It's January 24th again. And I didn't even realize it until I wrote the date in my quiet time journal first thing this morning.
After a rough past week (IYKYK), today "should" have been a bad one. The 8th anniversary of the breakdown that has shaped all of my life since. Reminders right in my face of what it continues to cost me.
But instead? I'm content.
PRAISE to our gracious God, who granted me strength and courage to make the decision and declaration on Thursday that I belong to Him and choose to trust Him!
I don't have a lot else to say - other than that God's faithfulness is the evidence I need; every day of my life HE is faithful!
I didn't intentionally put this blog on the shelf. I just quit blogging for most of the past three years, period.
Life's been busy - working a full-time job (including volunteering at a Women's Conversation Club), a volunteer side gig of helping my Ugandan sister by fundraising here in America for her grassroots nonprofit, and of course trying to keep up with my social calendar (I've got a great core group of me and four friends) and normal life stuff.
But something important happened that MUST have a presence here!!!
I heard about a conference for women at The Hope Center, an office space where about 60 Christian groups have office space. It was one evening, so I signed up to go! I didn't really know what to expect; I basically just knew the speakers' names. BUT GOD - He had something planned for me!
The first speaker, Abigail - who basically introduced the concept of Still She Sows, works at The Hope Center and God planted the seed of the conference in her. She told us about how her dad died suddenly in the pulpit in Africa, and how she struggled with God about "WHY?"
Her story naturally brought to mind my long-term struggle with God over why He yanked me out of Uganda the way He did, and why I went through a year of intense depression and why I went through a spiritual drought for several years.
Then Abigail shared three lessons she learned during that time, one of which sank into my soul. She said that when something happens--especially something bad/unpleasant--there are two lenses we can view that situation through. One is the Fairness Lens - a WHY ME? view. The other is the Faithfulness Lens - a why NOT me? view that focuses more on God's steadfastness and the fact that He has a plan for everything He causes/allows to happen.
That really resonated with me, but it was just the beginning!
After some worship, including the song I'm including at the end, Hosanna--the keynote speaker--started talking about identity. It was a powerful teaching that started with her personal experience and rooted into Scripture with the story of Jesus calling the four fishermen.
Then Hosanna performed her spoken word, "I Have a New Name." I would definitely encourage you to give it a listen - the link is to her official YouTube video. Basically, she talks about all the negative names the world can give us; BUT GOD has some other names for us. And which names we answer to is critically important.
She asked the audience to stand for which name they identify with. By Paraclete's prompting, I stood to BRAND NEW. Having the whole post-Uganda situation brought to mind, hearing Hosanna talk about changing our negative identities - I wanted to camp out on the fact that I'm not defined by past failures.
But God - He wasn't done yet!
The band was leading worship again, and there was a prayer team up front. One of the members was Terri, the woman who had invited me to Still She Sows. Paraclete was whispering for me to go up to her, but she had someone else she was praying with. When that person sat down, I was waffling - did I really need to go up for prayer? But then the Holy Spirit's voice turned from a whisper to an imperative command: GO UP!
So I did - I told Terri that I'd had a mental breakdown in Uganda and that I had been letting it define me for years. She said "No, that's the enemy! You have a river flowing through you. I've seen you grow in joy these past couple years .... You have a river flowing through you!
At first I thought it was just a reference to the song we had sung. But after she prayed for me and I went back to my seat, Paraclete reminded me of something:
That was my Sept. 2017 prayer card. When I designed it, that verse was my prayer for 2018. What I didn't know then was the breakdown that would come just four months later, eventually ending my time in Uganda.
It gives me goose bumps now. Because, see, I'd been letting John 7:38 hang like a banner of defeat over my life for SEVEN YEARS. Because I couldn't live it out. Because I failed. Because God took me from the adult life I loved. Because of the spiritual drought and the wilderness of depression.
BUT GOD.
He filled a syringe with healing power and plunged it deep into my heart, into the depths of the trauma onion that I've been gradually peeling outside layers off of through counseling.
With Abigail, Hosanna, and Terri's words, He showed me that I am not defined by the past. NO, I am BRAND NEW in Him.
I can't even begin to tell you the new-found freedom I walked in the next couple of weeks. I told everyone who would listen the story. And now I'm posting it here. Because I do NOT want it to be a one-off mountaintop experience. Rather, I want it to define my life moving forward.
I wish it weren't so easy to forget ... to slip back into old habits and ways of thinking. I don't want to forget - I want to remember and live out. So I made myself a new bracelet: white and gold stripes, to remind me that I am BRAND NEW.
Please pray with me that I'll live in this freedom!
Wow, it's been almost four months since I wrote on here!!
Praise God, they have been four pretty level-headed months. I've been sleeping well for the most part, especially during a two-week vacation in Northern Ireland.
While I was away, there was a situation that arose at Christar which has sucked up a LOT of time and energy from the team I work on, zapping my boss and my editor. Since I got back, I've just been on the outskirts of it, not working serious overtime like they are.
But right before I left, another (smaller) situation reared its head - and I've been smack dab in the middle of that one since I started work again 2.5 weeks ago. It's a long story - but basically I made what my mom and one of my mentors view as an honest mistake that made one of Christar's project managers unhappy with me. (As my mom says, "expectations will getcha every time.")
Yesterday I finally sat down and wrote a draft of the apology that my boss strongly urged me to send.
But you know what? In this situation I am thankful. Because, back in November, I let something even smaller put me in the hospital for five days. But this time, I very consciously made a decision early on that I was not going to let this affect me that deeply. Yes, I am disappointed with myself, frustrated with the miscommunication, and not quite looking forward to sending the apology. BUT GOD - He's enabling me to remain pretty emotionally even-keeled about it.
When it rains it pours ... there is yet another personal event which has caused me some consternation and sadness. But I am trying to grieve it responsibly and work through it proactively. It will probably be a long process though. As with the previous situation, I have decided that I won't let this take me deep into despondence. My housemate even remarked on how well she saw that I was handling it on the emotional side. So that was encouraging :)
The reason I navigated to drafting this blog, though, was because of the song I heard on the radio this morning. I feel like it could be a theme song for anyone else dealing with mental illness, particularly depression or bipolar disorder.
I'm not brave, but I don't have to be .... the things that I'm afraid of are afraid of GOD!
Whew, what a week it has been ... I am not even sure where to start.
But then again, I do: Praising God for His abundant goodness, faithfulness, grace & mercy!!!
So, I'm going to change things up a bit and put this post's song early:
This song really touched my heart when it played on Pandora as I was endeavoring to work yesterday. I love Andrew Peterson's "Is He Worthy?" and so I'm not surprised that this song hit a bulls eye in my heart too.
So ... now where from here?
The short story is that I had what I believe was a bipolar insomnia/hypomania episode, beginning Saturday afternoon the 23rd and potentially continuing into the present.
I am so incredibly thankful to my psychiatrist who is very available and was able to get me in for an appointment on Tuesday morning. I'm also SOOOOO grateful to my parents who let me move back into their home for a few days so that I would be in a safe place around people who love me :) {Not that my housemate doesn't love me - she does! But she has her own life to live and isn't always home.} Both of those pieces meant that I did not have to go into the psychiatric ward, which is a huge praise for many reasons!
My biblical counselor also made room in her day for a rather spur of the moment, hour-long session, which was a blessing to me. It was a mixed session, I told her both that I hate talking to her and that I know talking to her is good for me. To be honest, I'm not sure that she sees bipolar disorder as a mental illness. I want to talk with her more about that when I am "sober" (more level-headed). I've really appreciated the time and accommodation that she has given me over the past year and a half or so, though!
So, right now I'm on double doses of three of my medications. The psych made it sound like that is hopefully temporary. I see him again on Tuesday.
Please pray for me and my team at work. As one of my coworkers pointed out to me yesterday, a lot of us are getting hit with things of varying severity. He thinks it could be spiritual warfare because of our very busy schedule right now, producing our "Annual Snapshot" magazine and preparing to do a total rebrand of ALLLLL our materials.
Between Monday and Thursday, I only worked 2-3 hours, because I was very sleep deprived/groggy/not thinking straight. So my poor boss (who is the best boss in the world!!) had to juggle everything I usually do in addition to her own things and managing everyone else :( I feel so bad about that, but I believe it's just what needed to happen. Yesterday I was able to work about 4 hours, so that was encouraging. I plan to work as much as I can next week, probably from home to begin with but maybe from the office.
Anyway, that kind of updates y'all on what's been going on with me, without getting into alllllll the details. If you have questions because you care about my wellbeing, feel free to reach out to me privately :)
Thinking about what this poster says is almost giving me chills - because, I think .... 4.25 years after my mental breakdown .... I'm finally able to begin seeing this as practically true in my life.
I am no longer the relatively naive 20-something who freaked out when she quit sleeping and was slapped with sudden-onset, severe depression. I'm now a 30-something who is learning {albeit slowly} to maintain a steady course of forward progress in the midst of emotional/mental/spiritual/social/etc. ups and downs. I'm continuing to build a toolkit of coping skills and safe people that I can turn loose in my life when it seems overwhelming.
And through every step of that journey, God has been faithful. So, so, so, so, so immeasurably faithful. His presence in my life hasn't always looked like I wished {in the moment} that it would ...... sometimes QUITE the contrary--so much so that it felt like an absence. BUT GOD. He HAS been present and faithful every moment and every day. So yes, this song at the end of this post is a repeat - but it's what was playing as I turned this post from a simple Facebook share into a full-fledged blogpost and typed this paragraph, and it FITS.
{cue break in writing where Esther binge-listens to this song on repeat multiple times and decides to read the lyrics as a prayer of praise & thanksgiving, (and yes, confession ....) at her small group from church tomorrow night}
I have so many thoughts right now, I'm not sure where this post goes next. The cynic in me wants to say "It's all just the hypomania talking!!!" And yes, I do think that is partially true. But let's rewind to that paragraph where I was talking about God's faithfulness. Because that's not where this post was initially headed. I got there, praise Paraclete, but I was just going to talk about my side of the equation.
Upon more mature reflection, I think I need to let the rest of my thoughts simmer and not write/post them in the heat of the muse/moment. So I'm going to end this here for now. :)
I'm taking a step of faith and writing this blog post at the beginning of the month.
I don't know yet what most of April 2022 holds for me. But I have hope in God that it will hold His purposes and plans for my life, and that whatever those may be, He will weave it into *good* in my life.
April 3rd is the fourth anniversary of my departure from Uganda. But this year, I haven't been boxed in and defined by the anniversaries and failures of that 2018 season that I felt defined me for those first three years, including when I first started writing this blog. Now, at last, I've been back in the States for almost as long as I spent away from the States in Uganda.
God has most certainly been at work in my mind, heart and life over the past four years, and I am so very grateful to Him for all that He's done in and through me. That is NOT to say that I am perfected. Not in the least! Just on Friday I had to have a good-but-tough conversation with my boss because of something I had fallen short in at work. That will be an ongoing struggle over the coming weeks. But I'm learning to use the tools at my disposal to fight each battle a little better than the one before. And in that, I see progress!
If you can't tell from the title and what I have said so far, this post is about moving forward in life! No longer being constrained by my past failures, but being strengthened and renewed by Him who IS my life, to continue working out my own salvation with fear and trembling; as it is HE who works in me both to will and to do for His good pleasure (Phil. 2:12-13, paraphrased).
God's been building up to this point in my life for a while - and now I'm endeavoring to continue following His lead by taking a giant step of faith. I have been SO incredibly blessed to have a tight-knit community of people supporting me. But not everyone has that. A couple weeks ago, God impressed upon me the idea of beginning an online support group for Christians who have bipolar disorder.
Lord willing, I plan to launch this membership-based website in August of this year. Until then, I'm learning about running such a business and soon will begin creating/curating content to populate the site!
So I'm passively moving beyond my past as the time flows on and God works, and I am also endeavoring to actively move into the next phase of my future! Five years ago, God only knew what was coming. And now, once again, only He knows what comes next. But no matter what comes, I'm learning more and more of His goodness and faithfulness!!!!
When I flew to Colorado to see some friends at the beginning of February, on the plane rides back and forth I read the entirety of The Scars That Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering. I'd had it in my Kindle library for a long time, so I don't recall where/how I found out about it.
It was a very helpful memoir of a woman who has been through a lot humanly speaking in her life, but has chosen to cling to God through it all. But this highlighted passage in chapter 7 really made me stop and think:
It was at that point that I decided March's post here in my story would be a lament. And yesterday as I was walking to my church thinking about a couple things, I was literally stopped in my tracks by a realization about what specifically I needed to lament the most.
As I write this post, the fourth anniversary of my decision to resign from New Hope Uganda was earlier this week. In glancing back at that post I wrote a year ago today, it's amazing the difference in my outlook and perspective!! But we'll get to that :)
So here goes a different sort of post: a lament. {There are certainly some lines of paraphrased Scripture included, I'm just choosing not to clutter this with citations.}
He Is There
Where were You, oh Lord,
When sleep escaped my eyes
When I felt lost in a desert of doubt
When the enemy berated me?
Where were You?
"Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,"
I commanded my soul,
and yet the darkness persisted.
And then ...
It all comes to an end.
My home.
My adult life.
My ministry.
My identity.
In two weeks I was gone,
Leaving the people and place and work that I loved so deeply.
The sorrow didn't end there.
For nine months it frequently engulfed me.
For a year and a half I drifted here and there,
failing to put down true roots.
I questioned my ability to ever hold a steady job again.
BUT GOD.
Lord, You did NOT abandon me in my distress;
You are near to the brokenhearted.
And even when I couldn't see Your hand,
Now I can see the slow unfolding of Your patient and gentle work.
But in those months,
Yes - even in those first 3.5 years.
Oh Lord, I confess ...
That I was hurting deep inside,
That I clung to that hurt as something I deserved.
That so very often I was angry;
Angry at Your plan,
Angry at You.
Forgive, oh Lord!
I pray that You will not judge my life by that season,
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
All Your works are marvelous,
and that my soul knows full well.
I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for God;
Be strong and let my heart take courage;
And wait for the Lord.
Open my eyes in faith,
Oh Father, I pray.
Teach me to humbly surrender,
To lean into you when I don't understand.
You work all things together for good,
to those whom You have called
and who love You.
Rejoice in God, oh my soul!
Written March 24, 2022
P.S. After I wrote this, one of our prayer time leaders at work focused a Worship session on the idea of Lament. He included a couple songs that I found really meaningful as well - so this shall be a four-song post!
It's been a hard few weeks since I wrote the previous entry.
I hadn't realized how hard until I finally started sharing what I was facing with some trusted safe people, including my friend from the previous post.
It started just a few days after I wrote last, on January 25th. That day, I did a devotional/spiritual object lesson for my Christar work-family about The Treasure in Earthen Vessels. I cared very much about getting the process as "right" as I could. And, it turned out amazingly well, even if I did accidentally give myself a couple small cuts and bleed over pieces of the mug.
That very afternoon, the enemy struck in, as certain thoughts "exploded" into my mind that I don't think I had really dealt with for a couple of months. Ashamed to be dealing with this yet again, I kept quiet about them. Tried to brush them away/ignore them in my own strength.
But over the next three weeks or so, they became more and more insistent - especially when I'd be dealing with certain aspects of my work and particular emotions tied to that.
Before Feb. 15, I only admitted this fresh struggle to my house "sister". But the evening of the 15th, I also confided in my close & long-time friend. She asked more questions and gave more feedback, but seemed to take it pretty even-keeled. Then Friday afternoon she messaged me and asked if we could talk soon. Due to various factors, the soonest we were able to do that was on the phone during the lunch break of Life Surge the next day.
Again, my dear friend took what I shared with her more seriously than I had been taking it myself. Which has turned out to be a good thing, for sure. When she talked to me that Saturday, she asked me to talk to the professionals who are making this journey with me--my counselor and my psychiatrist. Thankfully I already had an appointment set with my counselor for Monday, so I promised to bring this recurrence up with her then.
Which I did--and she, too, took it seriously.
I think I've become so accustomed to these pesky, unhealthy thoughts that I count them as part of my "normal" life with bipolar disorder. But my Biblical counselor advocated strongly that I needed to both call my doctor and be more intentional about fighting these thoughts with the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Eph. 6:17).
I also shared the recent struggles with two mentor figures in my life, both who have been sources of invaluable prayer and meaningful advice.
And I called my psych's nurse. Even though part of me was concerned that she and the doctor may urge me back toward the hospital ... at a time when I don't have space for that--on the calendar or in my budget. But thankfully when she called back, it was just with instructions to pick up a new prescription of my mood stabilizer with an increased dose.
But I'm not trusting in the medication as my sole crutch for this time. I've been praying more, reading/meditating on verses recommended by my counselor, and making a gratitude list instead of focusing on "woe is me!" And I praise God that by His faithfulness, He is working in my heart and showing fruit through those things.
I would thoroughly appreciate your prayers for me in these regards. Life, unfortunately, probably isn't going to become a bed of roses. I need to grow in my reliance on GOD, putting my confidence in HIM and not in myself. As my pastor told me a couple years back, "The way you get unassailable faith is by having your faith assailed!"
These two songs are special to me, and both have to do with this post. The first I initially heard and fell in love with back during my time in Portland (probably Sept. 2018), and it has become part of the music I play with my Kintsugi demonstration. I think I heard the Getty song for the first time the Sunday after sharing the Kintsugi demonstration. I had come home from my parents' to an empty house, and suddenly found myself confronted with struggles. Maybe some other time I will write more about what this second song meant to me in those moments as I listened to it on repeat with tears in my eyes.
It's mid-evening as I open up my computer to write this. I'm sitting in all the glow and ambiance of my living room surrounded with several burning candles (one with a wood wick crackles away like a whole fireplace!). (And yes, I do have a fire extinguisher - just in case!)
I don't particularly want to write this post. It is raw, it is fresh, even if the title is "Stagnation." It is in the spirit of the post I wrote about July 2021.
Today I admitted to my best friend from high school that as far as daily relationship goes, I've been broken up with God for a while.
When I wrote last July, I had only told my mentor lady at work about the question that plagued me that afternoon. As I write this, I've finally told someone else - my friend. I think I have talked to my counselor about it. And once this is published, I'll have "told" all of you too.
I sit here, staring at my computer screen, wondering how to write or where to start.
Virtually no positive spiritual progress has been made since July.
Sure, in the hospital in November I led a little discussion about a couple Bible verses.
But that's one of the things about mania in my life for the past four years: It's the times when I am experiencing or verging on mania that I feel attuned to God.
Any other time now, when I'm "normal," it feels like an unwelcome duty.
I don't particularly like it this way.
But it is what it is, because that's exactly the way I want it to be.* (ie, if I really didn't want it that way, I would change it, right????)
While walking with my friend this afternoon, she asked me (as she always does when we get together) how she could pray for me.
So I asked her to pray that I would stop being a hypocrite - and told her the same indicators of hypocrisy that I put in my July post.
And she took it ... well, she took it really seriously, as it is a serious issue. I've just flippantly been letting the days/weeks/months pass without taking it seriously.
I'm so eager to get to heaven, but I don't want to talk to the God in whose presence I would be there. Yep, sounds like a problem to me!
This post has been on my mind for almost a week now, starting last Sunday afternoon at my parents' house. I can't remember now what song I was singing under my breath, but it was the perfect song to go with a post like this (so annoying that it's totally gone from my memory!!).
I've been so comfortable in my spiritual apathy lately that I haven't considered the damaging and possibly dire ramifications to the health of my soul and spirit. My friend's comments/feedback/exhortation were trying to wake me up to that. And I was listening.
That's why I say the contents of a post about "Continued Stagnation" are raw & fresh. I'm writing this blog post now to capture some of these feelings, to try and process them out and internalize her concern for me. Because she is concerned. And to be honest, I'm grateful for that. Because it is an opportunity to be awakened out of the drunken stupor I've been living in for far too long.
By masquerading as a continued "good Christian," I've hidden my struggle. And while I'm not blatantly sinning, I actually am by not actively following God as He calls believers to do.
Again, I'm not sure where this post goes from here, I have no beautiful bow to tie it up with. I just have a song. No, not the song I was thinking of last week .... but one that I heard on the radio station in my car for the first time today. I don't share it because I am where it describes, but because there's still something in me that wants to get there/back to that.
And just for kicks, guess when it was released? June or July of this year .....
Written Jan. 22, 2022
*Credit to my boss' professional coach, Lee, and the organization she works at, for this concept/idea.
I'm writing this blog post now in the midst of the thing ... but I'm *so* glad it won't be time to publish it for several more weeks/months so that I can let it simmer.
This is a post I'm not proud/eager to write. But it's a small sliver of my story now - and I DO believe that God's GRACE shines through this sliver, and THAT'S what I want to capture!!!
***Content warning*** - generalized discussion of thoughts of self-harm.
In "The Hard Admission" chapter, I wrote about how "I can't definitively remember the last time I dealt with the things in this post." Well, this time I can't say that. Because the last time I wrestled with this was just a few days ago.
Like I just wrote in an email to my Intercessor Team,
We are SUCH complex beings - I'm going to try to keep this short and simple, but every story has so many inputs and facets it's almost impossible to capture them all.
It's 4:15 a.m. as I write this sentence. I've only slept five hours out of the last ....... 45 hours or so. I know, not good.
I don't know for sure when this episode cycle started; it came on rather suddenly.
The first weekend in November found me hanging out with Hannah & Laura, my two *dear dear* "sorority sisters". It was a *marvelous* time, and part of my definitely did NOT want to return to "real" life.
Then, on Monday (Nov. 8), my boss offered me a piece of constructive criticism which was totally valid. BUT I took it WAY too personally (definitely my fault, NOT hers!!). And I clung to it and wallowed in it and felt like it was going to define me, like I had failed her big time for not thinking through the implications of my action that she reprimanded me for.
I even met with my amazing counselor, Ellen, that evening - but I didn't realize yet how much my boss' comments were going to affect me, so Ellen and I caught up about other important developments.
But by the time I had gone to the Slim4Life office and arrived home, I wasn't doing so great emotionally. I went to bed around 8:30 p.m., unusually early for me, and as I lay there waiting to fall asleep I was turning the situation over and over in my mind.
And then it struck.
My most troublesome self-harm thought rushed in upon me.
And I was like a crow with a shiny object; I kept on coming back to it and toying with it.
That's on me, for sure.
Tuesday was a blur of trying to work and mostly failing. Ironically, it was my boss' birthday and I organized the birthday card & flowers for her ... a bit more out of duty than I would have otherwise. I ought to have called a crisis line that evening, the thoughts were pretty severe. I knew I was mucking about in the mire on purpose, by conscious choice, but I had no desire to change that perspective/choice. And even the thought of researching what number to call was a bar too high (now I have two such numbers saved in my phone). Tuesday night, I went to bed even earlier, thoughts still swirling. I slept 10 hours that night.
Wednesday morning I got up but then went back to bed, pulling the covers over my head, having *no* desire to face the day.
My dear housemate Lorys was concerned, and rightfully so - but I didn't tell her the depths of the darkness ... still haven't yet, actually. I need to. {By now, she knows all!}
But praise God, He dragged me out of bed and into the office, and I was able to get to work just a bit late. Not long after, I got a text informing me that someone I was with on Sunday evening had just tested positive for COVID-19. The literal thought that went through my head was "If I have to go back and work from home, I WILL [do something drastic]." {Told you I wasn't proud of this chapter!!!} BUT, praise God, because I am fully vaccinated my boss told me I could continue working in the office as long as I masked and got tested.
Also praise God, one of my coworkers who usually works remotely came into the office to help decorate for an office party the next day. That helped *immensely!!* My boss only came in for an hour-long meeting. She was on day three of a horrific, debilitating headache, which is why I didn't even consider talking to her about how I was responding to what she had shared with me.
That day I must admit that I mostly let my normal work slide and threw myself into the decorating of our corner of the office common area. Including hand-cutting printed letters out of paper to put onto a burlap banner! It's what my brain was willing to do. I did have a video call with our editor in which I admitted to her that I didn't have the emotional energy to work on edits to a blog post that was supposed to be due that day.
I was *so* grateful for her response. She just stopped and said in the most compassionate tone of voice, "what's goin' on?" And after I told her a bit, she said to me "I care more about you than about a blog post." I needed to hear those words :) Looking back, maybe that conversation is what flipped the switch!!! THANKS BEV!!!
I slept 10 hours again Weds night/Thurs morning, but the thoughts were not as severe. On the way to work, I finally talked to somebody (my "pastor's" wife who is a good friend and was my re:generation mentor!) about some of what I had been struggling with, which naturally helped immensely as well. Thursday was a fun day at the office, and also a very meaningful one. We had a staff mini-retreat, and Paraclete knew that is *exactly* what I needed. During the extended worship time, I once again had to surrender and repent before my heavenly Father. And He received me, of course, with open arms full of grace :) The two songs with this post are ones that we sang together that morning! We also had a session on *resiliency* which was both convicting & encouraging.
Thursday was a crazy busy day, though, so I still didn't talk to my boss.
But I was finally talking to other people again. I talked to three different people on the phone Thursday evening about what I had been struggling with ... though leaving out the deepest depths of it. My dear mother was one of those people. As we got ready to hang up, she said to me, "I love you, even when you make mistakes." And that continues to mean the WORLD to me; those words were much-needed & appreciated balm to my soul :)
That night, though, I only slept 2.5 hours. But in the morning, I finally admitted to someone just how deep the episode of darkness had been. And my boss was willing to be very accommodating of my lack of sleep, because she's *the best* boss!! :)
Friday I had lunch with a coworker who I asked to mentor me over a year ago. I've been really honest with her about my spiritual struggles with angst toward God, so it was great to share with her the breakthrough that had happened on that front in October! But I did also tell her, for the first time, a little bit about the deepest depths of my struggles.
That was yesterday. It's now 5:30 a.m. on Saturday. I still only slept 2.5 hours, even with taking the prescription sleeping pill from my psychiatrist that I keep on hand and take as needed.
I really don't want to have to end up back on a psych ward, but if I have another really bad night of sleep I might be headed that direction.
BUT GOD - HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!! And He is GOOD!!!!! And yes, this may be the hypomania upswing talking, but I am grateful even for this test and this week and this season. No, I didn't pass the test with flying colors ... but I'm learning and growing more and more! :)
Written Nov. 13, 2021
P.S. Well, the short version of the rest of the month is that I ended up taking two weeks off of work - and I *did* indeed wind up in the mental hospital for a week yet again. Maybe some other time I will expand this postscript to tell more about that .... but now is not that time. {3/21/2022}
{These "Ongoing Story" posts are often snapshots, not overviews of entire months. That is definitely the case in this one!}
The past week has been great, miserable, challenging/stretching, and amazing - all at different moments of time.
A week ago today (Friday the 22nd) I was in Pennsylvania (following our division's marvelous Strategic Advance), attending the Biblical drama "Queen Esther: Everyone Has a Story" at the Lancaster Sight & Sound theater with my mom's cousin and his family. It was **phenomenal**. Then I thoroughly enjoyed renewing my acquaintance with my second cousins on the drive to their parents' house that night and and with my mom's cousin & his wife as they took me back to the airport the next day.
Sunday I was so tired I literally was dozing off in the Lambs (2s & 3s nursery) at church where I was volunteering. Thankfully I was one of two workers, and the other lady kindly took care of everything for that middle chunk of the morning!
Monday was back to work day - busy with meetings most of the morning, as per normal for a Monday morning.
Tuesday is when the trouble started. I was majorly struggling with motivational energy, in part because of not sleeping so great the past couple nights and also probably some of an introvert shutdown after a very "peopley" week. And feeling overwhelmed with how much work there probably was to do to promote the Giving Catalog that my team had already worked SO HARD just to create! I could feel that my mood could spiral toward full-blown depression if I let it - so I texted the gals from my church's Young Adults Group and asked them to pray for me (SO grateful for you ladies!!). And I told my teammates (but not my supervisor ...) that I was feeling "hedgie" - like I wanted to curl up & go to sleep & ignore the world - like a hedgehog. Oh yeah, also that day I kinda "offended" one of my coworkers outside of my division. That was fun :P
That evening, as I was eating my dinner, I got a surprise text message from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. Thankfully this woman started off by identifying herself. She complimented me and thanked me for this blog, which I started promoting about three weeks ago. And at the end she did what took my breath away: She apologized. I'm still finding it hard to process .... that one of the people who **inadvertently** played a role in my Ugandan downfall was moved (primarily by God of course, but this lady also read what I wrote here) to apologize. In a sense, I've been waiting 3.5 years for that moment to come. {The next day I texted her back thanking her and asking if she'd be willing to dialogue a bit more about it. She's praying about that.} {We did meet up online, I think in December!}
On Wednesday morning, my team met for 2.5 hours discussing (mostly) our promotional plan for the Giving Catalog. We created a TWENTY-item checklist of audiences and methods for getting the word out. Which I then had the opportunity to turn into individual tasks and assign to people on our Teams project calendar (my specialty as the Creative Services Project Coordinator!!). So Wednesday I was pretty busy, too busy to feel "hedgie" - and thankfully enjoying what I was doing even in the midst of still feeling rather overwhelmed.
But then my boss called me on a Zoom video call ... she had a challenge for me, she said. She laid out her 'carefully hatched' plan. Her life/career coach had spoken to us at our Strategic Advance, and our team had some semi-intense conversations about things we wanted to change and goals we had. (I said I wanted to improve in my leadership abilities.)
My boss' plan was to put the five of us on the core team into two coaching groups with her coach for the next six weeks, so that we could work on implementing some of what we learned at the Advance as well as our individual professional goals.
I had been feeling pretty cynical about actually seeing changes in the next six weeks, as I felt like we would still be pedal-to-the-metal to get everything necessary done before we break for Christmas on Dec. 17. So, to be honest, I didn't take too kindly to my boss' idea. {Spoiler alert - she & I have since talked about it in-depth and we're fine!!}
I asked her, pretty strongly, if we could *please* wait until January to do this. She pushed back and said it really needed to happen sooner rather than later, and that we would be busy in January too!
My stomach was tying in knots; and I could feel my heart falling to my toes.
I was having deja vu and (totally unofficial) PTSD.
Because back in April/May 2017, I had asked for a revamp project to be put on hold.
And I was told "no" - that it needed to happen right away.
Back then, in about six weeks, that extra stress, on top of everything else I was carrying, broke me.
No, that wasn't my big breakdown, but believe me it played into it!
So on Wednesday I asked my boss for time to think about & process her request before I gave her a definite answer.
I was up from 12:30-1:45 a.m. Thurs. morning with insomnia, writing out what I wanted to say to my boss (because as much as I am improving at being a verbal processor, I'm still primarily a writing processor!!!!). Briefly telling her the story above; asking some questions; requesting another day to think about it; committing to actually pray about it if she would just give me another day. {Yes, I felt like Queen Esther, haha!}
Long story short, because she is an AMAZING supervisor and truly & deeply cares about her "charges," she heard me really well, appreciated & affirmed me for explaining to her where I was coming from, and granted my request. But she also explained her thoroughly valid reasons for wanting to do it now and not waiting any longer. I definitely felt cared for & seen, praise God. I needed that.
I worked 10 hours that day. But, in God's timing, I received a super-encouraging message from one of my Ugandan sisters, telling me about another apology that had taken place. That gave me a breath of HOPE even on such a challenging day.
When I got home to an empty house, as soon as I finished eating I pulled out my poor, rather neglected journal (I've been using the same one for almost THREE years - compared to the one before that only lasted about six months!!). Because, again, I process & focus best by prayer journaling - not just by talking/thinking prayers.
"Tbh, I don't want to do this," I started.
But by faith I invited God into the process. And after briefly recounting what I just wrote above about Weds/Thurs, I started processing.
"I'm scared ... I've experienced how adding one more thing can break a person in a relatively short time---and I think I made an unconscious vow [after the events of The Burnout & The Breakdown] to never again let that happen to me."
And as Paraclete peeled back the layers, I realized the core issue:
And then I summarized the accusatory feelings I had toward God. Things I'm content to remain in the secret pages of my journal, at least for now.
I didn't write this bit in my journal, but I was headed back toward the place I was in the first week or two of July.
I was hurt & angry and tired of playing the hypocritical charade I had forced myself into. And yes, at some point on Wednesday or Thursday, the thought of quitting my job rather than complying with my boss' plan flitted through my mind.
Praise Paraclete, He recaptured my heart with those two words.
I wrote a whole page in my journal of "But God" TRUE TRUTH statements.
And I did something I've known cognizantly needed to happen but that I had been utterly unwilling to do: I surrendered and repented for my UN-reliance on and DIS-trust of God which had been growing like a spiritual cancer for about five years now.
'Cause, you see, I've been what I'm terming a "horrifically 'good' hypocrite" for at least three years.
I've been working for a Christian organization.
I've gone to church & Bible studies (multiple of them!).
I've prayed 'spiritual' prayers in front of others.
I've even encouraged friends with truths I wasn't willing to 100% submit to or believe.
I've been just going through the motions, trying desperately to perform my way back into feeling God's pleasure & love again.
But I've been missing the passion. I've missed frequent, whole-hearted WORSHIP.
I lost sight of God's worthy-ness in the midst of my own hurt and pain.
In other words, I've been sinning and indulging in SELF-ishness/-worship.
But last night, praise God, He worked in my heart and gave me the courage to open my hands and begin releasing all that cr*p out of my heart.
I ain't suddenly perfect, unfortunately but obviously!! But last night was a HUGE step forward, and it was ALL HIM :)
In the past 24 hours, as I've been thinking about this post, there are SO MANY songs I could put with it!!! But here are two that stick out to me, in addition to the second one from the previous post.
Oh, and by the way, I told my boss that yes, I would do the group coaching. :) So that will be an adventure the next few weeks! But I'm doing it trusting GOD that HE will give me the strength and emotional courage to handle it and GROW!
Written Oct. 29, 2021
P.S. The group coaching was great, and well-worth our time and effort. I'm so thankful I took that step of faith and trusted God to do what He would through that opportunity! {3/21/22}
I've a feeling this is going to be a very short post ..... both because I've waited six months to put fingers to keyboard and write this--and it is still in process--but also because I am worn out after a very full weekend. {But more about that in a future post!!!}
September 2021 was the month after my trip to visit "back home" in Uganda for the first time after 3.5 years of being gone {as discussed in the previous blog post}. So Uganda and everything that happened there and the ways I perceived I was wronged were more freshly on my heart than they had been for a while.
I'm pulling from my journal and Facebook posts for this entry .... and there's just not a lot about what I want to write about. But I do clearly remember it is something I felt God moving in my heart about during that month - especially the last weekend.
Looking back through my Facebook posts from that month reminded me that's when I started my Slim4Life weight loss plan .... and that I was also having some trouble sleeping. My brother came to visit, and then on Oct. 1st I drove up to Siloam Springs, AR (my favorite little college town) for the John Brown University Homecoming. I remember I was only running on three or four hours of sleep ... and I left around 3:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. That trip included getting pulled over by a friendly policeman who was wondering if I was ok after I crossed the lane markers a couple times right in front of him. :(
So based on my recollections now, this ought to be more of an October post - but I'm calling it September anyway. And this is my blog, so we go by my rules :)
Because it was on that early morning drive up to Siloam that I accidentally listened to Grace is Greater: God's Plan to Overcome Your Past, Redeem Your Pain, and Rewrite Your Story by Kyle Idleman for the second time. The first time had been in March 2021, my pervious trip up to Siloam. (Siloam trips are frequently the only times I listen to audio books!)
I don't remember what I thought of it in March 2021 - probably the pain was still, three years after leaving Uganda, too real and too raw for me to process it fully. But in some ways, visiting Uganda in August changed all of that. It gave me greater clarity and healing and the ability to start looking at my experiences there in a different light.
I'm not an audio processor - I process best by seeing things and kinesthetically marking things up. But praise God, Kyle Idleman uses lots of stories and examples in his book, and THOSE definitely spoke to me!!!
Late that afternoon of Oct. 1, I wrote in my journal, "At least half the book focuses on forgiveness, extending the grace we have received to others. And that's a message I need to hear. Because I still harbor an unforgiving spirit toward {name retracted}."
I continued, "I need to see if the CBC library has [Grace is Greater] and/or buy it so that I can use it to go through the process of experiencing showing greater grace in my memory of {several people}. I want to commit to that ..."
I did indeed buy the book! And I started going through it with the book in my hands I think later that month, when I was headed back from our Division of Engagement & Advancement strategic advance (work retreat) in Pennsylvania. But then I got busy with end-of-year stuff, and didn't pick it up again until Feb. 27, 2022. But that's a story for another time.
I had all these songs in this post long before tonight. These are songs that spoke to me back in Sept/Oct 2021. I hope you enjoy them and that they speak to your heart too!
{Somehow the song above has been out for TWO YEARS, but I honestly don't remember hearing it until Sept. 2021!!!}
I didn't find the closure I thought I wanted during my two-week trip to Uganda this past August.
But that's not a bad thing - far from it.
Instead of closing a chapter of my life forever, my time in Uganda was a rich refreshing of the relationships I had built in my four years there.
As I've started thinking about and processing that the last couple days, I think God used my visit back "home" to give me some emotional closure that I needed, but not the relational closure I thought was also necessary. Praise Him that He knows what we *really* need, even when that looks different than we think.
I was reminded today by a coworker just how many people were praying for this trip - A) that it would happen (a second wave of COVID-19 threatened that, but God's timing worked out perfectly!) and B) that it would be a special time with "sisters" and "family" there. God so very graciously answered all of those prayers, including the prayers of protection for the 10+ tech devices I was transporting!!
Looking back, I think I left Uganda [in 2018] with so much shame and so many feelings of failure hanging over me. As I reflect on what I received from my Ugandan family during my week at "home" in Kasana, and the next week traveling to a couple different parts of Uganda, I think God used their gracious, loving kindness and welcome to bring a significant measure of healing to that feeling of shame that I had carried for approximately three years, four months and 10 days.
They were happy to see me and I was happy to see them.
They praised God with me that I am now healthy and so much more stable than I was when I left.
They thanked God for the job and the work He has for me to do here in the States.
God knit many hearts together with mine during the four years that I lived in Kasana/Uganda. And even though I now live thousands of miles away from that place, that doesn't have to change the fact that I am close in heart to them and they to me.
I feel as though now that I have been back once, the door is always open for me to go back and visit, without the fear and shame, as God provides.
No, I didn't get the two apologies that I would have liked to receive. But I knew going in that I probably wasn't going to see that happen, and so I am contented with all the goodness of God that I did receive.
Earlier this month [July 2021] I was very tempted to abandon everything I believe and just walk away from it all.
There was no new major crisis, just the old tiredness about the guilty feelings of hypocrisy that I try to hide from most.
The last three+ years of not understanding, of frustration and anger, of feeling cheated, have naturally been taking their toll.
I pray out loud when it's expected of me, but never in depth when I'm alone.
My devotional life the past year and a half has been almost nonexistent.
I attend church, but to be honest the pandemic broke my habit of note-taking and I hadn't picked it back up, leading to dozing in sermons.
I couldn't tell you the last time I prayer journaled - just that it's been months, not weeks.
What exactly brought on the temptation? The only two definite answers I have are 1) hormones and 2) the women's Bible study I'm doing in Jude. Hormones are semi-valid - but the weakness of "the week before" mood swing doesn't create problems ... it only reveals them more clearly. The Jude study has at times left me feeling like/wondering if I am one of those "certain people" - false teachers who blend in so well but are really rebellious hypocrites.
I literally took a lunch break at work during which I just stared at my empty computer screen, thinking about what life would look like if I walked away from my Christian faith.
I'm not proud of that half hour, nor am I happy to admit this struggle.
BUT GOD.
God, who works ALL things out for good for those who love Him and whom He has called (Rom. 8:28), is working even through this.
In that half hour, there was primarily one thing that kept me committed to this journey of salvation. A very logistical thing, but a primary concern nonetheless: I work for a Christian organization. So, I walk away from my faith, I walk away from my job. And I LOVE my coworkers and my job!!!
A wise coworker has been meeting with me once or twice a month for the past year in a mentoring role. As of now (writing this), she's the only one who knows of that day's struggle. But she is excellent at asking poignant questions to help me think through things--and praise God I'm willing to be gut-level honest with her.
So we talked it through a week after it happened. And she helped me more rationally consider the supposed "gains" of walking away. Most of them were self-centered, or straight up lies I was believing. For example, "I could allow myself to feel bitterness and resentment without feeling guilty about it."
I'm not sure where this post goes from here. I haven't rejected it all, thank God. He's keeping me, and I trust in His faithfulness a whole lot more than my own. Unfortunately, I don't think I can say that right now I'm 100% committed to what I intellectually know is the Truth - but I'm also not actively considering walking away. To be honest I'm still hurting, three and a half years later. I wish I could move past it, get back to who I used to be before January 2018, and grow upwards/deeper from there - but sometimes that feels unattainable. Will I ever win back that spiritual ground?
I also don't know why I'm writing this tonight, when I don't have all the answers in shining clarity. But I couldn't sleep, and I already called my insomnia buddy; and so I write.
If I've learned anything over these past years, it's the reality of the ongoing struggle with the flesh - the Romans 7:13-25 wrestling. I want to believe! Lord, help my unbelief. Before Uganda, I never understood that the way I do now.
Well, that's all I've got for today, folks. Thanks for reading & caring!
This song came to mind early in the writing of this post. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how the Lord is doing these things in my own life, but I'm thankful for the examples in Scripture and peoples' testimonies of how He has worked and is working it in others' lives.
It's still pretty early in the month ... the 6th of April as I begin to write this post. But I still already know what the theme will be for this month's entry.
I've been learning that it usually takes me a long time to process grief.
When I was around seven, my mom had a miscarriage and our family lost what the doctor said was probably a little girl. For months after, I told myself I would only think about that loss on Sunday nights, when we were allowed to drink soda, because if I cried I could blame it on the carbonation.
All three of my grandparents came to my high school graduation May 2009. But that was one of the last healthy/normal things that my Grandma Goff, who my middle name comes from, was able to do on earth. Her cancer had come back, and even though she sought treatment, after a short decline she passed away in July 2009. If my memory serves me well, I didn't shed a tear about her death until I was a senior in college, four years later.
In February 2018, as I was in the midst of my mental health struggles in Uganda, a woman who I had been close to died from a car accident in a different part of Uganda. Because of the circumstances--both my own and the family's--I didn't go to the funeral. It was October or November of that year before I really grieved and processed that loss.
The same pattern has held true for processing the grief of my departure from Uganda. This year, as the anniversary of my leaving there rolled around, I realized that I had spent three years trying to "deal" with the feelings of sadness by suppressing them. Which, unfortunately, doesn't do very well in terms of long-range emotional health!
So this year, I've been proactively trying to recognize and work through some of those feelings ... naming all the animals, as one author called it. I feel like I've got a long ways to go ... but I'm grateful to God for several things:
I'm in a better place emotionally, where I'm more able to handle all those uncomfortable feels. At the year one anniversary, I was still saddened that I hadn't been able to join Servant Teams in Africa, I think. At the year two anniversary, I was so busy with work (launching a new website will do that to you!) and adjusting to the reality of COVID-19 stay-at-home that I didn't think about it as much. But this year I'm working on doing better.
I'm surrounded by amazing people!!! Christar is becoming my new work-family, and while some may say that's not healthy; I believe it is because there we are all siblings in Christ. One lady at work has agreed to be a mentor figure for me, and she's willing to ask hard questions and push me towards growth rather than stagnation. Another lady is an amazing prayer warrior and has graciously shared her time with me on three different occasions in the past couple weeks as I've needed to process the emotions of leaving Uganda. Outside of work, I have ladies who are faithful pray-ers for me. And yesterday evening, when I left work feeling emotionally fragile for no particular reason, I felt free to call a sweet friend from church and invite myself over for dinner at her family's place. It was much, MUCH better for me than coming home to an empty house.
My counselor is spectacular (I see her later today ...... maybe that's why I can't sleep!). She is so empathetic and encouraging ... and, while I need to be more proactive about taking notes during and/or journaling after so that I remember the things we talk about, I am grateful for her wise and biblically sound advice!
As I mentioned in another post, I was able to see Geoff & Mary again, nearly three years after I bid farewell to them at the airport in Entebbe. I'm so grateful to them for taking a couple hours out of a packed day to come share rice and beans with me at my Christar office. It was wonderful to catch up and to get big hugs from both of them.
I'M GOING BACK TO UGANDA IN AUGUST FOR A VISIT!!!!! Lord willing, of course, but planning for that trip after having bought my plane tickets is a sweet encouragement in this season of missing those people and that place.
This chapter doesn't have a ton of structure, it's just processing where I am right now and right here. Maybe I'll add more to this one later, after seeing my counselor today and as the month progresses. But the song choice is informed by four songs I heard on the radio driving up to see my local "sister" on Saturday, the day of the anniversary.
As I begin to write this, it's 4:45 a.m. on March 7, 2021 (a Sunday morning). I slept 6 hours before I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and I haven't succeeded in falling back asleep. But I am super thankful!! Why? Because Fri night-Sat morning I only slept TWO hours, with lots of hours of wakefulness around those two hours.
I should really know better by now.
Friday afternoon I was catching up with a friend from Uganda here in Siloam Springs, AR--we went to one of the local coffee shops in town at about 2:30 pm, and both ordered hot cocoas because it was rainy & coldish. I took one sip of my hot chocolate and was like "they put coffee in this!!?"
What I SHOULD have done was gone back in and asked for a new hot cocoa. But because I don't like causing problems, I instead drank it, coffee and all, knowing it would probably give me trouble sleeping. Foolish child that I am ;)
And, sure enough - even though I took a sleeping pill when I got back to the place where I was staying around 10:30 pm, I could NOT fall asleep for a long time. I called my insomnia buddy, a night owl who is actually the reason I came to visit Siloam this weekend (I surprised her for her birthday :) ), and we talked for a while.
I tell you this whole story because this is now part of my life at times. Has been for three years now. Usually, from what I have observed, it is a combination of irresponsible caffeine intake and circumstances that make me want to mull over and think about them. I had both this time around!
I'm learning not to be afraid of a couple nights of insomnia. Sure, it makes it a little harder to function the following day or two, but it's more of an inconvenience now than a make-it-or-break-it issue to my wellbeing. And I'm thankful to God that I've learned tools on how to cope with insomnia.
This is a little out of character for me/this blog, but here's some practical tips about how I handle things when I can't sleep well. NOTE: I am not a doctor of any sort, so this is just what I've learned over the past three years - not a professional medical opinion!!!!
1. Have a routine. I definitely have an evening/bedtime routine. That doesn't happen the same time every night, but it helps me know it's time to sleep.
2. Know your temperature. I love love love sleeping under the covers, which means in the summer or on warmer spring/fall nights, I turn my ceiling fan on so that I can still comfortably do so.
3. Have positive triggers. I know that if I don't fall asleep in 15-20 minutes that I need to a) take my prescription sleeping medication that I keep on hand for 'as needed' and b) turn on my special cassette tape. {Yes, I still have a cassette tape and player. Kindly don't judge me for that!!} I've had this tape ever since I was in elementary school, I think. It's soothing, calm music that helps trigger the "go to sleep" part of my brain. I think it also gives my brain something to think about or at least follow along with other than whatever thoughts are swirling in my brain. It's about 35-40 minutes a side, I think. And yes, I have bought the CD of the same music, I've just never ripped it. I should really do that and put it on my phone for when I am traveling!!!
4. Keep a backup plan. For me, if the tape ends before I fall asleep, it's usually time to get up and do something. This is important!! When I suddenly had drastic insomnia in Uganda three years ago, I didn't know about this. I lay in bed all night, tossing and turning and never got up and redirected my mental energy. Now I know that writing in my journal, or blogging on here, sometimes helps to settle my thoughts.
5. Talk to friends. This one could be controversial, because of the light from the phone/computer factor. I've read articles that those light sources are bad for your sleep hygiene. But usually, if I've done all the above things, it's somewhat of a lost cause anyway ... so then it's a matter of coping with the lonely night hours. I'm thankful for my fellow insomniac/night owl friends with whom I can talk on the phone or chat with on Facebook. I'm also super grateful for WhatsApp and my international friends who are sometimes awake and available when I should be sleeping!!
6. Keep trying. In between all these things to fill the time, try sleeping again. But don't lay there for more than half an hour - if you're not falling asleep, get up and try something else.
7. Give yourself grace. Lots of grace. If you work with what you've got, try all the right things, and still don't sleep? So be it. Another important thing for me has been having groups of friends who I can ask to pray for me. I did that on Saturday, after a mostly sleeplessness night, when I was scheduled to see seven different people during the day. I texted three of my group chats, asking them to pray for grace & strength. They did, and God answered!!! I thoroughly enjoyed my day, even though I was exhausted by the end of it.
And now that I've had some time writing, it's time to close the laptop and try to sleep again. We shall see if it works!! :)
I didn't take my medicine for three, maybe four days at the beginning of 2021.
It was pure laziness. I had picked up my prescription a couple days before running out of my current stock, but it was in my car. And I only ever thought of getting it when I would normally take the medication, right before going to bed. Yeah, like I said--pure laziness. But I felt like I could let it slip for a few days.
Well, on Jan. 4 I went back to work in the office for the first time since Dec. 18. It had been a 'delicious' two weeks off, spent with my whole family (including brother, Nathan, from North Dakota), thanks to my dear boss who had decided to shut down our department for two weeks. With my family, I had gone on walks outside on the beautiful days that a Texas December gave us, celebrated Christmas together, and of course (for our family) played lots of games! While not every moment was perfect, it was a wonderful time together.
Getting back into the swing of things at the office that Jan. 4 was *hard*. I had a difficult time focusing too after coming back from a week mostly away during Thanksgiving, but this was a little different. I didn't even want to write or work on editing any of my stories for my organization's website - very unusual for me.
I did my basic tasks as project coordinator, making sure that our personnel and schedules were interacting in such a way to complete our monthly publications. But that doesn't take eight hours a day ... I usually need a couple writing projects and a larger-scale department/division project to keep me busy.
So I sat at my computer and stared at the screen. I would minimize all the windows I had open - to enjoy my camping under the Milky Way desktop background - but then I would keep angrily clicking. Angry because I didn't like myself this way, unwilling to get committed and involved in a writing project I knew I would probably enjoy, if only I could get started.
I would open up a Word document of a story I had previously written with my editor's helpful and encouraging notes on the sideline, and it was just too much - I felt like I couldn't.
Thoughts would flood my mind that would lead me on rabbit trails, usually not to a great place. I would be at my desk physically shaking my head until my hair also shook, trying to bring myself back from that place.
And the worst part is? I let myself stay that way for days. I think that whole first week back I was acting like this. OK, because I'm a detail-oriented perfectionist, I looked back - and it was actually only three days (on that first Thursday, I enjoyed writing an 1,100-word story!!). But it felt like an eternity.
The silly part is that it took me several days to connect the two - my lack of medication for a few days and my downturn in mood/attitude/work ethic.
Lesson learned: Yes, I do need to be on my medications. And yes, I do need to actually take them faithfully. But, at the same time, my faith should not be in my medications. My faith needs to be in God's faithfulness. ... Yeah, I'll be brutally honest - that's a work in progress sometimes. And, from what I hear others who are further along in their journey say, it always will be.
So this post is my "No, I'm not always fine" post. It's my "Yes, bipolar really does affect my life" post. But it's also my "I'm going to move on and not let that define me" post. It's the "I'm not going to hide my real struggles from the world" post.
And so on that last note, here's a song that's been on repeat on the Christian radio station I always have on in my car. It seems like, for a couple of weeks, it was playing every single time I drove somewhere!
This is the chapter which holds the piece of the story that I've left out of all the other prefaces and chapters.
It's been left out because I don't like to admit to it. I'm pretty open about my whole story of journeying with mental illness and bipolar, but this piece is always the hardest to say.
I'm writing this on a day when the sun has been shining bright, both literally outside and figuratively in my soul.
Part of me wants to keep beating around the bush, talking about things generally and not 'fessing up to the thing as it really is. It will be some time before I actually push the publish button on this post, but I want to write it now, because--unfortunate as it is--this is an intrinsic part of my story with mental illness, at least for the first year.
...
...
...
...
...
To read the rest of this post, please contact me (Esther Carey) for the link. I'm not yet ready to share the rest of what I wrote over a year ago (at the end of Jan. 2021) with the public world. You can email/text/FB message me, or even add a comment to this post ... and I will be in touch.
Now that I've finally sat down to write this final "summary view" blog post, I'm trying to put it off. I think that's because after this, there is none of the past to retell and hide behind. The posts that come after this will usually be the raw reflections of a moment, or maybe a couple weeks later. And the very next entry that is in the publication queue is a piece I wrote almost exactly a year ago--among the earliest to be written, but the last of these looking-back pieces to be published.
All that to say, it's with mixed emotions that I begin this piece tonight.
September 2020 kept me plenty busy! First I transitioned to working full-time for Christar, then I succumbed to COVID-19. Praise God for full-time Paid Time Off, I definitely used some significant chunks of it during the time I had to quarantine! But praise God also, even with living alone (my housemate went to stay elsewhere while I was sick) and barely seeing anyone, my mental health didn't suffer.
Of note is the fact that I also started this blog in September 2020 (before getting sick)! I only wrote two posts in 2020 and it would be a full year before I shared the link publicly, but this blog began taking shape then.
Also, something I forgot to mention in my previous entry, is that it was during this time period that I began meeting with Ellen, the Biblical counselor who I have been seeing regularly for almost a year and a half now! We've talked of many things in that time, at first predominantly me processing everything that I've shared in this blog. I value Ellen's input and cherish her sweet & tender heart, yet also her direct and Biblical advice.
October and November found me busy with Christar work - particularly with our very first Giving Catalog!!! Our whole team poured a lot of work into creating something from scratch that first year!
Even as I settled in to working full time, I realized that I would have to uproot and move in the next six months, as my then-housemate would be getting married and she and her husband would be staying in the duplex that she and I had been sharing for six months.
November and December also brought wonderful family time, with Nathan being able to visit for both Thanksgiving and Christmas!
I can't think of any other major life updates from that time! So I'll just leave this year with this song. I think it was actually released this past fall, but I still feel like it fits here:
