It's mid-evening as I open up my computer to write this. I'm sitting in all the glow and ambiance of my living room surrounded with several burning candles (one with a wood wick crackles away like a whole fireplace!). (And yes, I do have a fire extinguisher - just in case!)
I don't particularly want to write this post. It is raw, it is fresh, even if the title is "Stagnation." It is in the spirit of the post I wrote about July 2021.
Today I admitted to my best friend from high school that as far as daily relationship goes, I've been broken up with God for a while.
When I wrote last July, I had only told my mentor lady at work about the question that plagued me that afternoon. As I write this, I've finally told someone else - my friend. I think I have talked to my counselor about it. And once this is published, I'll have "told" all of you too.
I sit here, staring at my computer screen, wondering how to write or where to start.
Virtually no positive spiritual progress has been made since July.
Sure, in the hospital in November I led a little discussion about a couple Bible verses.
But that's one of the things about mania in my life for the past four years:
It's the times when I am experiencing or verging on mania that I feel attuned to God.
Any other time now, when I'm "normal," it feels like an unwelcome duty.
I don't particularly like it this way.
But it is what it is, because that's exactly the way I want it to be.*
(ie, if I really didn't want it that way, I would change it, right????)
While walking with my friend this afternoon, she asked me (as she always does when we get together) how she could pray for me.
So I asked her to pray that I would stop being a hypocrite - and told her the same indicators of hypocrisy that I put in my July post.
And she took it ... well, she took it really seriously, as it is a serious issue. I've just flippantly been letting the days/weeks/months pass without taking it seriously.
I'm so eager to get to heaven, but I don't want to talk to the God in whose presence I would be there.
Yep, sounds like a problem to me!
This post has been on my mind for almost a week now, starting last Sunday afternoon at my parents' house. I can't remember now what song I was singing under my breath, but it was the perfect song to go with a post like this (so annoying that it's totally gone from my memory!!).
I've been so comfortable in my spiritual apathy lately that I haven't considered the damaging and possibly dire ramifications to the health of my soul and spirit. My friend's comments/feedback/exhortation were trying to wake me up to that. And I was listening.
That's why I say the contents of a post about "Continued Stagnation" are raw & fresh. I'm writing this blog post now to capture some of these feelings, to try and process them out and internalize her concern for me. Because she is concerned. And to be honest, I'm grateful for that. Because it is an opportunity to be awakened out of the drunken stupor I've been living in for far too long.
By masquerading as a continued "good Christian," I've hidden my struggle. And while I'm not blatantly sinning, I actually am by not actively following God as He calls believers to do.
Again, I'm not sure where this post goes from here, I have no beautiful bow to tie it up with. I just have a song. No, not the song I was thinking of last week .... but one that I heard on the radio station in my car for the first time today. I don't share it because I am where it describes, but because there's still something in me that wants to get there/back to that.
And just for kicks, guess when it was released?
June or July of this year .....
Written Jan. 22, 2022
*Credit to my boss' professional coach, Lee, and the organization she works at, for this concept/idea.
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