I've been on hiatus from writing about the unfolding of events in 2018 for a long time .... because this chapter is not one that I find particularly enjoyable to reflect on. But it's part of my story. A quote that a trusted friend recently shared about a different story (one of hers) seems apropos here:
Grief, when one can dance with it instead of fighting it, doesn't have to stay painful or damaging. Those were parts of my story that I steward. They carry weighty purpose, some of which I know, some that I don't know. But they aren't sharp any more.
The second half of April and most of May are blurred together in my mind.
Not wanting to get out of bed.
Hiding under the covers for a couple hours most mornings.
It took me six weeks to get fully unpacked from Uganda, partly because I still didn't want to deal with the reality that insisted on confronting me - that, as I saw it then, I had failed my Ugandan "family" and had to resign.
I just figured out how to easily look back to what I posted on Facebook in a particular month, to see if anything major happened that I was forgetting.
There were four posts. Just four.
For those who know me and how much I usually post on Facebook, that will tell you something right there!
But it was in May 2018 that I learned "Is He Worthy?", a song by Andrew Peterson & covered by Chris Tomlin and others, that continues to mean a lot to me every time I hear or sing it. I didn't know what song to put on this entry until I saw that old post.
Facebook also tells me that it was in the middle of May that I drove again for the first time after coming back.
I looked back at my photos too, to see what was there - and there are only 16 in May (a third of them photos of receipts for reimbursement from my support account), even though we went on a trip that month. That, too, is incredibly low.
The one thing that stands out to me about May, before looking at these reminders, was the trip. Nathan flew down to Dallas and worked for a long weekend completely packing up his room, since he by then had a townhouse he was purchasing in ND where he is still stationed with the Air Force.
I think it was tough watching that. On one level, that I didn't cognizantly realize at the time, that may be because I was "stuck" at home and here he was doing the adult thing and fully moving out of our parents' home - even though he is younger than me. The level I did recognize was that he was being encouraged/asked to do this by our mom. Now, looking back, that rationally makes a lot of sense!! But at the time, I think I translated it as Nathan being given the boot. And there was a deeper level at which I was afraid that I would never be able to move out again; because at the time my depression felt like it would last forever.
Eventually, we loaded up our van with all of his possessions from our home, then drove to my aunt & uncle's house, where we added a washer to the cargo! (Yep, we were so laden that the strut of one of the van's wheels broke as we were driving down the highway. Thankfully we were all safe, and only delayed by an overnight.)
When we reached Nathan's house, and I saw the state of things there (it looked like disorganized chaos to me), I'd had enough and just mentally and emotionally shut down.
I remember lying on "my" bed in one of his spare bedrooms, just shivering. Not from cold, but from ... stress I guess. {I just took a quick skim through, and I don't think I have talked about that shivering on this blog before ... but it had happened relatively regularly from the time immediately after my breakdown in Jan. 2018 and for many months after. I don't know how to explain it or why I did it. It felt almost involuntary, but I could stop it if I made myself.}
Mom challenged me to think about how I could get out of my focus on myself and help Nathan to unpack and settle in. And I did; but it wasn't easy.
After a few days with Nathan, my parents and I made the long drive to Grandpa's house, where we and my mom's brother and one of her sisters were helping Grandpa to declutter and clear some stuff out of his house. Thankfully my mind and emotions stayed engaged and relatively helpful there.
While staying at my uncle's house, I actually had a phone interview with a photographer who was looking for an admin assistant. She ended up deciding I was not a good fit for the job, because I told her I'm a writer not a talker & that I'm not as good on the phone as I'd like to be. But it was a step, and I was trying to look ahead!!
I also found out that NHUM (the American funding arm of New Hope) was looking for someone to do their social media, I think it was? And I applied, thinking & hoping that I had a shoe in the door ... but I was turned down for that too.
And so May came to an end ......
