When I flew to Colorado to see some friends at the beginning of February, on the plane rides back and forth I read the entirety of The Scars That Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering. I'd had it in my Kindle library for a long time, so I don't recall where/how I found out about it.
It was a very helpful memoir of a woman who has been through a lot humanly speaking in her life, but has chosen to cling to God through it all. But this highlighted passage in chapter 7 really made me stop and think:
It was at that point that I decided March's post here in my story would be a lament. And yesterday as I was walking to my church thinking about a couple things, I was literally stopped in my tracks by a realization about what specifically I needed to lament the most.
As I write this post, the fourth anniversary of my decision to resign from New Hope Uganda was earlier this week. In glancing back at that post I wrote a year ago today, it's amazing the difference in my outlook and perspective!! But we'll get to that :)
So here goes a different sort of post: a lament. {There are certainly some lines of paraphrased Scripture included, I'm just choosing not to clutter this with citations.}
He Is There
Where were You, oh Lord,
When sleep escaped my eyes
When I felt lost in a desert of doubt
When the enemy berated me?
Where were You?
"Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,"
I commanded my soul,
and yet the darkness persisted.
And then ...
It all comes to an end.
My home.
My adult life.
My ministry.
My identity.
In two weeks I was gone,
Leaving the people and place and work that I loved so deeply.
The sorrow didn't end there.
For nine months it frequently engulfed me.
For a year and a half I drifted here and there,
failing to put down true roots.
I questioned my ability to ever hold a steady job again.
BUT GOD.
Lord, You did NOT abandon me in my distress;
You are near to the brokenhearted.
And even when I couldn't see Your hand,
Now I can see the slow unfolding of Your patient and gentle work.
But in those months,
Yes - even in those first 3.5 years.
Oh Lord, I confess ...
That I was hurting deep inside,
That I clung to that hurt as something I deserved.
That so very often I was angry;
Angry at Your plan,
Angry at You.
Forgive, oh Lord!
I pray that You will not judge my life by that season,
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
All Your works are marvelous,
and that my soul knows full well.
I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for God;
Be strong and let my heart take courage;
And wait for the Lord.
Open my eyes in faith,
Oh Father, I pray.
Teach me to humbly surrender,
To lean into you when I don't understand.
You work all things together for good,
to those whom You have called
and who love You.
Rejoice in God, oh my soul!
Written March 24, 2022
P.S. After I wrote this, one of our prayer time leaders at work focused a Worship session on the idea of Lament. He included a couple songs that I found really meaningful as well - so this shall be a four-song post!
It's been a hard few weeks since I wrote the previous entry.
I hadn't realized how hard until I finally started sharing what I was facing with some trusted safe people, including my friend from the previous post.
It started just a few days after I wrote last, on January 25th. That day, I did a devotional/spiritual object lesson for my Christar work-family about The Treasure in Earthen Vessels. I cared very much about getting the process as "right" as I could. And, it turned out amazingly well, even if I did accidentally give myself a couple small cuts and bleed over pieces of the mug.
That very afternoon, the enemy struck in, as certain thoughts "exploded" into my mind that I don't think I had really dealt with for a couple of months. Ashamed to be dealing with this yet again, I kept quiet about them. Tried to brush them away/ignore them in my own strength.
But over the next three weeks or so, they became more and more insistent - especially when I'd be dealing with certain aspects of my work and particular emotions tied to that.
Before Feb. 15, I only admitted this fresh struggle to my house "sister". But the evening of the 15th, I also confided in my close & long-time friend. She asked more questions and gave more feedback, but seemed to take it pretty even-keeled. Then Friday afternoon she messaged me and asked if we could talk soon. Due to various factors, the soonest we were able to do that was on the phone during the lunch break of Life Surge the next day.
Again, my dear friend took what I shared with her more seriously than I had been taking it myself. Which has turned out to be a good thing, for sure. When she talked to me that Saturday, she asked me to talk to the professionals who are making this journey with me--my counselor and my psychiatrist. Thankfully I already had an appointment set with my counselor for Monday, so I promised to bring this recurrence up with her then.
Which I did--and she, too, took it seriously.
I think I've become so accustomed to these pesky, unhealthy thoughts that I count them as part of my "normal" life with bipolar disorder. But my Biblical counselor advocated strongly that I needed to both call my doctor and be more intentional about fighting these thoughts with the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Eph. 6:17).
I also shared the recent struggles with two mentor figures in my life, both who have been sources of invaluable prayer and meaningful advice.
And I called my psych's nurse. Even though part of me was concerned that she and the doctor may urge me back toward the hospital ... at a time when I don't have space for that--on the calendar or in my budget. But thankfully when she called back, it was just with instructions to pick up a new prescription of my mood stabilizer with an increased dose.
But I'm not trusting in the medication as my sole crutch for this time. I've been praying more, reading/meditating on verses recommended by my counselor, and making a gratitude list instead of focusing on "woe is me!" And I praise God that by His faithfulness, He is working in my heart and showing fruit through those things.
I would thoroughly appreciate your prayers for me in these regards. Life, unfortunately, probably isn't going to become a bed of roses. I need to grow in my reliance on GOD, putting my confidence in HIM and not in myself. As my pastor told me a couple years back, "The way you get unassailable faith is by having your faith assailed!"
These two songs are special to me, and both have to do with this post. The first I initially heard and fell in love with back during my time in Portland (probably Sept. 2018), and it has become part of the music I play with my Kintsugi demonstration. I think I heard the Getty song for the first time the Sunday after sharing the Kintsugi demonstration. I had come home from my parents' to an empty house, and suddenly found myself confronted with struggles. Maybe some other time I will write more about what this second song meant to me in those moments as I listened to it on repeat with tears in my eyes.
It's mid-evening as I open up my computer to write this. I'm sitting in all the glow and ambiance of my living room surrounded with several burning candles (one with a wood wick crackles away like a whole fireplace!). (And yes, I do have a fire extinguisher - just in case!)
I don't particularly want to write this post. It is raw, it is fresh, even if the title is "Stagnation." It is in the spirit of the post I wrote about July 2021.
Today I admitted to my best friend from high school that as far as daily relationship goes, I've been broken up with God for a while.
When I wrote last July, I had only told my mentor lady at work about the question that plagued me that afternoon. As I write this, I've finally told someone else - my friend. I think I have talked to my counselor about it. And once this is published, I'll have "told" all of you too.
I sit here, staring at my computer screen, wondering how to write or where to start.
Virtually no positive spiritual progress has been made since July.
Sure, in the hospital in November I led a little discussion about a couple Bible verses.
But that's one of the things about mania in my life for the past four years: It's the times when I am experiencing or verging on mania that I feel attuned to God.
Any other time now, when I'm "normal," it feels like an unwelcome duty.
I don't particularly like it this way.
But it is what it is, because that's exactly the way I want it to be.* (ie, if I really didn't want it that way, I would change it, right????)
While walking with my friend this afternoon, she asked me (as she always does when we get together) how she could pray for me.
So I asked her to pray that I would stop being a hypocrite - and told her the same indicators of hypocrisy that I put in my July post.
And she took it ... well, she took it really seriously, as it is a serious issue. I've just flippantly been letting the days/weeks/months pass without taking it seriously.
I'm so eager to get to heaven, but I don't want to talk to the God in whose presence I would be there. Yep, sounds like a problem to me!
This post has been on my mind for almost a week now, starting last Sunday afternoon at my parents' house. I can't remember now what song I was singing under my breath, but it was the perfect song to go with a post like this (so annoying that it's totally gone from my memory!!).
I've been so comfortable in my spiritual apathy lately that I haven't considered the damaging and possibly dire ramifications to the health of my soul and spirit. My friend's comments/feedback/exhortation were trying to wake me up to that. And I was listening.
That's why I say the contents of a post about "Continued Stagnation" are raw & fresh. I'm writing this blog post now to capture some of these feelings, to try and process them out and internalize her concern for me. Because she is concerned. And to be honest, I'm grateful for that. Because it is an opportunity to be awakened out of the drunken stupor I've been living in for far too long.
By masquerading as a continued "good Christian," I've hidden my struggle. And while I'm not blatantly sinning, I actually am by not actively following God as He calls believers to do.
Again, I'm not sure where this post goes from here, I have no beautiful bow to tie it up with. I just have a song. No, not the song I was thinking of last week .... but one that I heard on the radio station in my car for the first time today. I don't share it because I am where it describes, but because there's still something in me that wants to get there/back to that.
And just for kicks, guess when it was released? June or July of this year .....
Written Jan. 22, 2022
*Credit to my boss' professional coach, Lee, and the organization she works at, for this concept/idea.
I'm writing this blog post now in the midst of the thing ... but I'm *so* glad it won't be time to publish it for several more weeks/months so that I can let it simmer.
This is a post I'm not proud/eager to write. But it's a small sliver of my story now - and I DO believe that God's GRACE shines through this sliver, and THAT'S what I want to capture!!!
***Content warning*** - generalized discussion of thoughts of self-harm.
In "The Hard Admission" chapter, I wrote about how "I can't definitively remember the last time I dealt with the things in this post." Well, this time I can't say that. Because the last time I wrestled with this was just a few days ago.
Like I just wrote in an email to my Intercessor Team,
We are SUCH complex beings - I'm going to try to keep this short and simple, but every story has so many inputs and facets it's almost impossible to capture them all.
It's 4:15 a.m. as I write this sentence. I've only slept five hours out of the last ....... 45 hours or so. I know, not good.
I don't know for sure when this episode cycle started; it came on rather suddenly.
The first weekend in November found me hanging out with Hannah & Laura, my two *dear dear* "sorority sisters". It was a *marvelous* time, and part of my definitely did NOT want to return to "real" life.
Then, on Monday (Nov. 8), my boss offered me a piece of constructive criticism which was totally valid. BUT I took it WAY too personally (definitely my fault, NOT hers!!). And I clung to it and wallowed in it and felt like it was going to define me, like I had failed her big time for not thinking through the implications of my action that she reprimanded me for.
I even met with my amazing counselor, Ellen, that evening - but I didn't realize yet how much my boss' comments were going to affect me, so Ellen and I caught up about other important developments.
But by the time I had gone to the Slim4Life office and arrived home, I wasn't doing so great emotionally. I went to bed around 8:30 p.m., unusually early for me, and as I lay there waiting to fall asleep I was turning the situation over and over in my mind.
And then it struck.
My most troublesome self-harm thought rushed in upon me.
And I was like a crow with a shiny object; I kept on coming back to it and toying with it.
That's on me, for sure.
Tuesday was a blur of trying to work and mostly failing. Ironically, it was my boss' birthday and I organized the birthday card & flowers for her ... a bit more out of duty than I would have otherwise. I ought to have called a crisis line that evening, the thoughts were pretty severe. I knew I was mucking about in the mire on purpose, by conscious choice, but I had no desire to change that perspective/choice. And even the thought of researching what number to call was a bar too high (now I have two such numbers saved in my phone). Tuesday night, I went to bed even earlier, thoughts still swirling. I slept 10 hours that night.
Wednesday morning I got up but then went back to bed, pulling the covers over my head, having *no* desire to face the day.
My dear housemate Lorys was concerned, and rightfully so - but I didn't tell her the depths of the darkness ... still haven't yet, actually. I need to. {By now, she knows all!}
But praise God, He dragged me out of bed and into the office, and I was able to get to work just a bit late. Not long after, I got a text informing me that someone I was with on Sunday evening had just tested positive for COVID-19. The literal thought that went through my head was "If I have to go back and work from home, I WILL [do something drastic]." {Told you I wasn't proud of this chapter!!!} BUT, praise God, because I am fully vaccinated my boss told me I could continue working in the office as long as I masked and got tested.
Also praise God, one of my coworkers who usually works remotely came into the office to help decorate for an office party the next day. That helped *immensely!!* My boss only came in for an hour-long meeting. She was on day three of a horrific, debilitating headache, which is why I didn't even consider talking to her about how I was responding to what she had shared with me.
That day I must admit that I mostly let my normal work slide and threw myself into the decorating of our corner of the office common area. Including hand-cutting printed letters out of paper to put onto a burlap banner! It's what my brain was willing to do. I did have a video call with our editor in which I admitted to her that I didn't have the emotional energy to work on edits to a blog post that was supposed to be due that day.
I was *so* grateful for her response. She just stopped and said in the most compassionate tone of voice, "what's goin' on?" And after I told her a bit, she said to me "I care more about you than about a blog post." I needed to hear those words :) Looking back, maybe that conversation is what flipped the switch!!! THANKS BEV!!!
I slept 10 hours again Weds night/Thurs morning, but the thoughts were not as severe. On the way to work, I finally talked to somebody (my "pastor's" wife who is a good friend and was my re:generation mentor!) about some of what I had been struggling with, which naturally helped immensely as well. Thursday was a fun day at the office, and also a very meaningful one. We had a staff mini-retreat, and Paraclete knew that is *exactly* what I needed. During the extended worship time, I once again had to surrender and repent before my heavenly Father. And He received me, of course, with open arms full of grace :) The two songs with this post are ones that we sang together that morning! We also had a session on *resiliency* which was both convicting & encouraging.
Thursday was a crazy busy day, though, so I still didn't talk to my boss.
But I was finally talking to other people again. I talked to three different people on the phone Thursday evening about what I had been struggling with ... though leaving out the deepest depths of it. My dear mother was one of those people. As we got ready to hang up, she said to me, "I love you, even when you make mistakes." And that continues to mean the WORLD to me; those words were much-needed & appreciated balm to my soul :)
That night, though, I only slept 2.5 hours. But in the morning, I finally admitted to someone just how deep the episode of darkness had been. And my boss was willing to be very accommodating of my lack of sleep, because she's *the best* boss!! :)
Friday I had lunch with a coworker who I asked to mentor me over a year ago. I've been really honest with her about my spiritual struggles with angst toward God, so it was great to share with her the breakthrough that had happened on that front in October! But I did also tell her, for the first time, a little bit about the deepest depths of my struggles.
That was yesterday. It's now 5:30 a.m. on Saturday. I still only slept 2.5 hours, even with taking the prescription sleeping pill from my psychiatrist that I keep on hand and take as needed.
I really don't want to have to end up back on a psych ward, but if I have another really bad night of sleep I might be headed that direction.
BUT GOD - HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!! And He is GOOD!!!!! And yes, this may be the hypomania upswing talking, but I am grateful even for this test and this week and this season. No, I didn't pass the test with flying colors ... but I'm learning and growing more and more! :)
Written Nov. 13, 2021
P.S. Well, the short version of the rest of the month is that I ended up taking two weeks off of work - and I *did* indeed wind up in the mental hospital for a week yet again. Maybe some other time I will expand this postscript to tell more about that .... but now is not that time. {3/21/2022}
{These "Ongoing Story" posts are often snapshots, not overviews of entire months. That is definitely the case in this one!}
The past week has been great, miserable, challenging/stretching, and amazing - all at different moments of time.
A week ago today (Friday the 22nd) I was in Pennsylvania (following our division's marvelous Strategic Advance), attending the Biblical drama "Queen Esther: Everyone Has a Story" at the Lancaster Sight & Sound theater with my mom's cousin and his family. It was **phenomenal**. Then I thoroughly enjoyed renewing my acquaintance with my second cousins on the drive to their parents' house that night and and with my mom's cousin & his wife as they took me back to the airport the next day.
Sunday I was so tired I literally was dozing off in the Lambs (2s & 3s nursery) at church where I was volunteering. Thankfully I was one of two workers, and the other lady kindly took care of everything for that middle chunk of the morning!
Monday was back to work day - busy with meetings most of the morning, as per normal for a Monday morning.
Tuesday is when the trouble started. I was majorly struggling with motivational energy, in part because of not sleeping so great the past couple nights and also probably some of an introvert shutdown after a very "peopley" week. And feeling overwhelmed with how much work there probably was to do to promote the Giving Catalog that my team had already worked SO HARD just to create! I could feel that my mood could spiral toward full-blown depression if I let it - so I texted the gals from my church's Young Adults Group and asked them to pray for me (SO grateful for you ladies!!). And I told my teammates (but not my supervisor ...) that I was feeling "hedgie" - like I wanted to curl up & go to sleep & ignore the world - like a hedgehog. Oh yeah, also that day I kinda "offended" one of my coworkers outside of my division. That was fun :P
That evening, as I was eating my dinner, I got a surprise text message from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. Thankfully this woman started off by identifying herself. She complimented me and thanked me for this blog, which I started promoting about three weeks ago. And at the end she did what took my breath away: She apologized. I'm still finding it hard to process .... that one of the people who **inadvertently** played a role in my Ugandan downfall was moved (primarily by God of course, but this lady also read what I wrote here) to apologize. In a sense, I've been waiting 3.5 years for that moment to come. {The next day I texted her back thanking her and asking if she'd be willing to dialogue a bit more about it. She's praying about that.} {We did meet up online, I think in December!}
On Wednesday morning, my team met for 2.5 hours discussing (mostly) our promotional plan for the Giving Catalog. We created a TWENTY-item checklist of audiences and methods for getting the word out. Which I then had the opportunity to turn into individual tasks and assign to people on our Teams project calendar (my specialty as the Creative Services Project Coordinator!!). So Wednesday I was pretty busy, too busy to feel "hedgie" - and thankfully enjoying what I was doing even in the midst of still feeling rather overwhelmed.
But then my boss called me on a Zoom video call ... she had a challenge for me, she said. She laid out her 'carefully hatched' plan. Her life/career coach had spoken to us at our Strategic Advance, and our team had some semi-intense conversations about things we wanted to change and goals we had. (I said I wanted to improve in my leadership abilities.)
My boss' plan was to put the five of us on the core team into two coaching groups with her coach for the next six weeks, so that we could work on implementing some of what we learned at the Advance as well as our individual professional goals.
I had been feeling pretty cynical about actually seeing changes in the next six weeks, as I felt like we would still be pedal-to-the-metal to get everything necessary done before we break for Christmas on Dec. 17. So, to be honest, I didn't take too kindly to my boss' idea. {Spoiler alert - she & I have since talked about it in-depth and we're fine!!}
I asked her, pretty strongly, if we could *please* wait until January to do this. She pushed back and said it really needed to happen sooner rather than later, and that we would be busy in January too!
My stomach was tying in knots; and I could feel my heart falling to my toes.
I was having deja vu and (totally unofficial) PTSD.
Because back in April/May 2017, I had asked for a revamp project to be put on hold.
And I was told "no" - that it needed to happen right away.
Back then, in about six weeks, that extra stress, on top of everything else I was carrying, broke me.
No, that wasn't my big breakdown, but believe me it played into it!
So on Wednesday I asked my boss for time to think about & process her request before I gave her a definite answer.
I was up from 12:30-1:45 a.m. Thurs. morning with insomnia, writing out what I wanted to say to my boss (because as much as I am improving at being a verbal processor, I'm still primarily a writing processor!!!!). Briefly telling her the story above; asking some questions; requesting another day to think about it; committing to actually pray about it if she would just give me another day. {Yes, I felt like Queen Esther, haha!}
Long story short, because she is an AMAZING supervisor and truly & deeply cares about her "charges," she heard me really well, appreciated & affirmed me for explaining to her where I was coming from, and granted my request. But she also explained her thoroughly valid reasons for wanting to do it now and not waiting any longer. I definitely felt cared for & seen, praise God. I needed that.
I worked 10 hours that day. But, in God's timing, I received a super-encouraging message from one of my Ugandan sisters, telling me about another apology that had taken place. That gave me a breath of HOPE even on such a challenging day.
When I got home to an empty house, as soon as I finished eating I pulled out my poor, rather neglected journal (I've been using the same one for almost THREE years - compared to the one before that only lasted about six months!!). Because, again, I process & focus best by prayer journaling - not just by talking/thinking prayers.
"Tbh, I don't want to do this," I started.
But by faith I invited God into the process. And after briefly recounting what I just wrote above about Weds/Thurs, I started processing.
"I'm scared ... I've experienced how adding one more thing can break a person in a relatively short time---and I think I made an unconscious vow [after the events of The Burnout & The Breakdown] to never again let that happen to me."
And as Paraclete peeled back the layers, I realized the core issue:
And then I summarized the accusatory feelings I had toward God. Things I'm content to remain in the secret pages of my journal, at least for now.
I didn't write this bit in my journal, but I was headed back toward the place I was in the first week or two of July.
I was hurt & angry and tired of playing the hypocritical charade I had forced myself into. And yes, at some point on Wednesday or Thursday, the thought of quitting my job rather than complying with my boss' plan flitted through my mind.
Praise Paraclete, He recaptured my heart with those two words.
I wrote a whole page in my journal of "But God" TRUE TRUTH statements.
And I did something I've known cognizantly needed to happen but that I had been utterly unwilling to do: I surrendered and repented for my UN-reliance on and DIS-trust of God which had been growing like a spiritual cancer for about five years now.
'Cause, you see, I've been what I'm terming a "horrifically 'good' hypocrite" for at least three years.
I've been working for a Christian organization.
I've gone to church & Bible studies (multiple of them!).
I've prayed 'spiritual' prayers in front of others.
I've even encouraged friends with truths I wasn't willing to 100% submit to or believe.
I've been just going through the motions, trying desperately to perform my way back into feeling God's pleasure & love again.
But I've been missing the passion. I've missed frequent, whole-hearted WORSHIP.
I lost sight of God's worthy-ness in the midst of my own hurt and pain.
In other words, I've been sinning and indulging in SELF-ishness/-worship.
But last night, praise God, He worked in my heart and gave me the courage to open my hands and begin releasing all that cr*p out of my heart.
I ain't suddenly perfect, unfortunately but obviously!! But last night was a HUGE step forward, and it was ALL HIM :)
In the past 24 hours, as I've been thinking about this post, there are SO MANY songs I could put with it!!! But here are two that stick out to me, in addition to the second one from the previous post.
Oh, and by the way, I told my boss that yes, I would do the group coaching. :) So that will be an adventure the next few weeks! But I'm doing it trusting GOD that HE will give me the strength and emotional courage to handle it and GROW!
Written Oct. 29, 2021
P.S. The group coaching was great, and well-worth our time and effort. I'm so thankful I took that step of faith and trusted God to do what He would through that opportunity! {3/21/22}
I've a feeling this is going to be a very short post ..... both because I've waited six months to put fingers to keyboard and write this--and it is still in process--but also because I am worn out after a very full weekend. {But more about that in a future post!!!}
September 2021 was the month after my trip to visit "back home" in Uganda for the first time after 3.5 years of being gone {as discussed in the previous blog post}. So Uganda and everything that happened there and the ways I perceived I was wronged were more freshly on my heart than they had been for a while.
I'm pulling from my journal and Facebook posts for this entry .... and there's just not a lot about what I want to write about. But I do clearly remember it is something I felt God moving in my heart about during that month - especially the last weekend.
Looking back through my Facebook posts from that month reminded me that's when I started my Slim4Life weight loss plan .... and that I was also having some trouble sleeping. My brother came to visit, and then on Oct. 1st I drove up to Siloam Springs, AR (my favorite little college town) for the John Brown University Homecoming. I remember I was only running on three or four hours of sleep ... and I left around 3:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. That trip included getting pulled over by a friendly policeman who was wondering if I was ok after I crossed the lane markers a couple times right in front of him. :(
So based on my recollections now, this ought to be more of an October post - but I'm calling it September anyway. And this is my blog, so we go by my rules :)
Because it was on that early morning drive up to Siloam that I accidentally listened to Grace is Greater: God's Plan to Overcome Your Past, Redeem Your Pain, and Rewrite Your Story by Kyle Idleman for the second time. The first time had been in March 2021, my pervious trip up to Siloam. (Siloam trips are frequently the only times I listen to audio books!)
I don't remember what I thought of it in March 2021 - probably the pain was still, three years after leaving Uganda, too real and too raw for me to process it fully. But in some ways, visiting Uganda in August changed all of that. It gave me greater clarity and healing and the ability to start looking at my experiences there in a different light.
I'm not an audio processor - I process best by seeing things and kinesthetically marking things up. But praise God, Kyle Idleman uses lots of stories and examples in his book, and THOSE definitely spoke to me!!!
Late that afternoon of Oct. 1, I wrote in my journal, "At least half the book focuses on forgiveness, extending the grace we have received to others. And that's a message I need to hear. Because I still harbor an unforgiving spirit toward {name retracted}."
I continued, "I need to see if the CBC library has [Grace is Greater] and/or buy it so that I can use it to go through the process of experiencing showing greater grace in my memory of {several people}. I want to commit to that ..."
I did indeed buy the book! And I started going through it with the book in my hands I think later that month, when I was headed back from our Division of Engagement & Advancement strategic advance (work retreat) in Pennsylvania. But then I got busy with end-of-year stuff, and didn't pick it up again until Feb. 27, 2022. But that's a story for another time.
I had all these songs in this post long before tonight. These are songs that spoke to me back in Sept/Oct 2021. I hope you enjoy them and that they speak to your heart too!
{Somehow the song above has been out for TWO YEARS, but I honestly don't remember hearing it until Sept. 2021!!!}
I didn't find the closure I thought I wanted during my two-week trip to Uganda this past August.
But that's not a bad thing - far from it.
Instead of closing a chapter of my life forever, my time in Uganda was a rich refreshing of the relationships I had built in my four years there.
As I've started thinking about and processing that the last couple days, I think God used my visit back "home" to give me some emotional closure that I needed, but not the relational closure I thought was also necessary. Praise Him that He knows what we *really* need, even when that looks different than we think.
I was reminded today by a coworker just how many people were praying for this trip - A) that it would happen (a second wave of COVID-19 threatened that, but God's timing worked out perfectly!) and B) that it would be a special time with "sisters" and "family" there. God so very graciously answered all of those prayers, including the prayers of protection for the 10+ tech devices I was transporting!!
Looking back, I think I left Uganda [in 2018] with so much shame and so many feelings of failure hanging over me. As I reflect on what I received from my Ugandan family during my week at "home" in Kasana, and the next week traveling to a couple different parts of Uganda, I think God used their gracious, loving kindness and welcome to bring a significant measure of healing to that feeling of shame that I had carried for approximately three years, four months and 10 days.
They were happy to see me and I was happy to see them.
They praised God with me that I am now healthy and so much more stable than I was when I left.
They thanked God for the job and the work He has for me to do here in the States.
God knit many hearts together with mine during the four years that I lived in Kasana/Uganda. And even though I now live thousands of miles away from that place, that doesn't have to change the fact that I am close in heart to them and they to me.
I feel as though now that I have been back once, the door is always open for me to go back and visit, without the fear and shame, as God provides.
No, I didn't get the two apologies that I would have liked to receive. But I knew going in that I probably wasn't going to see that happen, and so I am contented with all the goodness of God that I did receive.
Earlier this month [July 2021] I was very tempted to abandon everything I believe and just walk away from it all.
There was no new major crisis, just the old tiredness about the guilty feelings of hypocrisy that I try to hide from most.
The last three+ years of not understanding, of frustration and anger, of feeling cheated, have naturally been taking their toll.
I pray out loud when it's expected of me, but never in depth when I'm alone.
My devotional life the past year and a half has been almost nonexistent.
I attend church, but to be honest the pandemic broke my habit of note-taking and I hadn't picked it back up, leading to dozing in sermons.
I couldn't tell you the last time I prayer journaled - just that it's been months, not weeks.
What exactly brought on the temptation? The only two definite answers I have are 1) hormones and 2) the women's Bible study I'm doing in Jude. Hormones are semi-valid - but the weakness of "the week before" mood swing doesn't create problems ... it only reveals them more clearly. The Jude study has at times left me feeling like/wondering if I am one of those "certain people" - false teachers who blend in so well but are really rebellious hypocrites.
I literally took a lunch break at work during which I just stared at my empty computer screen, thinking about what life would look like if I walked away from my Christian faith.
I'm not proud of that half hour, nor am I happy to admit this struggle.
BUT GOD.
God, who works ALL things out for good for those who love Him and whom He has called (Rom. 8:28), is working even through this.
In that half hour, there was primarily one thing that kept me committed to this journey of salvation. A very logistical thing, but a primary concern nonetheless: I work for a Christian organization. So, I walk away from my faith, I walk away from my job. And I LOVE my coworkers and my job!!!
A wise coworker has been meeting with me once or twice a month for the past year in a mentoring role. As of now (writing this), she's the only one who knows of that day's struggle. But she is excellent at asking poignant questions to help me think through things--and praise God I'm willing to be gut-level honest with her.
So we talked it through a week after it happened. And she helped me more rationally consider the supposed "gains" of walking away. Most of them were self-centered, or straight up lies I was believing. For example, "I could allow myself to feel bitterness and resentment without feeling guilty about it."
I'm not sure where this post goes from here. I haven't rejected it all, thank God. He's keeping me, and I trust in His faithfulness a whole lot more than my own. Unfortunately, I don't think I can say that right now I'm 100% committed to what I intellectually know is the Truth - but I'm also not actively considering walking away. To be honest I'm still hurting, three and a half years later. I wish I could move past it, get back to who I used to be before January 2018, and grow upwards/deeper from there - but sometimes that feels unattainable. Will I ever win back that spiritual ground?
I also don't know why I'm writing this tonight, when I don't have all the answers in shining clarity. But I couldn't sleep, and I already called my insomnia buddy; and so I write.
If I've learned anything over these past years, it's the reality of the ongoing struggle with the flesh - the Romans 7:13-25 wrestling. I want to believe! Lord, help my unbelief. Before Uganda, I never understood that the way I do now.
Well, that's all I've got for today, folks. Thanks for reading & caring!
This song came to mind early in the writing of this post. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how the Lord is doing these things in my own life, but I'm thankful for the examples in Scripture and peoples' testimonies of how He has worked and is working it in others' lives.
