It's been a hard few weeks since I wrote the previous entry.
I hadn't realized how hard until I finally started sharing what I was facing with some trusted safe people, including my friend from the previous post.
It started just a few days after I wrote last, on January 25th. That day, I did a devotional/spiritual object lesson for my Christar work-family about The Treasure in Earthen Vessels. I cared very much about getting the process as "right" as I could. And, it turned out amazingly well, even if I did accidentally give myself a couple small cuts and bleed over pieces of the mug.
That very afternoon, the enemy struck in, as certain thoughts "exploded" into my mind that I don't think I had really dealt with for a couple of months. Ashamed to be dealing with this yet again, I kept quiet about them. Tried to brush them away/ignore them in my own strength.
But over the next three weeks or so, they became more and more insistent - especially when I'd be dealing with certain aspects of my work and particular emotions tied to that.
Before Feb. 15, I only admitted this fresh struggle to my house "sister". But the evening of the 15th, I also confided in my close & long-time friend. She asked more questions and gave more feedback, but seemed to take it pretty even-keeled. Then Friday afternoon she messaged me and asked if we could talk soon. Due to various factors, the soonest we were able to do that was on the phone during the lunch break of Life Surge the next day.
Again, my dear friend took what I shared with her more seriously than I had been taking it myself. Which has turned out to be a good thing, for sure. When she talked to me that Saturday, she asked me to talk to the professionals who are making this journey with me--my counselor and my psychiatrist. Thankfully I already had an appointment set with my counselor for Monday, so I promised to bring this recurrence up with her then.
Which I did--and she, too, took it seriously.
I think I've become so accustomed to these pesky, unhealthy thoughts that I count them as part of my "normal" life with bipolar disorder. But my Biblical counselor advocated strongly that I needed to both call my doctor and be more intentional about fighting these thoughts with the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Eph. 6:17).
I also shared the recent struggles with two mentor figures in my life, both who have been sources of invaluable prayer and meaningful advice.
And I called my psych's nurse. Even though part of me was concerned that she and the doctor may urge me back toward the hospital ... at a time when I don't have space for that--on the calendar or in my budget. But thankfully when she called back, it was just with instructions to pick up a new prescription of my mood stabilizer with an increased dose.
But I'm not trusting in the medication as my sole crutch for this time. I've been praying more, reading/meditating on verses recommended by my counselor, and making a gratitude list instead of focusing on "woe is me!" And I praise God that by His faithfulness, He is working in my heart and showing fruit through those things.
I would thoroughly appreciate your prayers for me in these regards. Life, unfortunately, probably isn't going to become a bed of roses. I need to grow in my reliance on GOD, putting my confidence in HIM and not in myself. As my pastor told me a couple years back, "The way you get unassailable faith is by having your faith assailed!"
These two songs are special to me, and both have to do with this post. The first I initially heard and fell in love with back during my time in Portland (probably Sept. 2018), and it has become part of the music I play with my Kintsugi demonstration. I think I heard the Getty song for the first time the Sunday after sharing the Kintsugi demonstration. I had come home from my parents' to an empty house, and suddenly found myself confronted with struggles. Maybe some other time I will write more about what this second song meant to me in those moments as I listened to it on repeat with tears in my eyes.
Written Feb. 25, 2022
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