The Ongoing Story: Stepping Forward ~ April 2022 pt. 3

 Whew, what a week it has been ... I am not even sure where to start.

But then again, I do: Praising God for His abundant goodness, faithfulness, grace & mercy!!!

So, I'm going to change things up a bit and put this post's song early:

This song really touched my heart when it played on Pandora as I was endeavoring to work yesterday. I love Andrew Peterson's "Is He Worthy?" and so I'm not surprised that this song hit a bulls eye in my heart too.

So ... now where from here?

The short story is that I had what I believe was a bipolar insomnia/hypomania episode, beginning Saturday afternoon the 23rd and potentially continuing into the present.

I am so incredibly thankful to my psychiatrist who is very available and was able to get me in for an appointment on Tuesday morning. I'm also SOOOOO grateful to my parents who let me move back into their home for a few days so that I would be in a safe place around people who love me :) {Not that my housemate doesn't love me - she does! But she has her own life to live and isn't always home.} Both of those pieces meant that I did not have to go into the psychiatric ward, which is a huge praise for many reasons! 

My biblical counselor also made room in her day for a rather spur of the moment, hour-long session, which was a blessing to me. It was a mixed session, I told her both that I hate talking to her and that I know talking to her is good for me. To be honest, I'm not sure that she sees bipolar disorder as a mental illness. I want to talk with her more about that when I am "sober" (more level-headed). I've really appreciated the time and accommodation that she has given me over the past year and a half or so, though!

So, right now I'm on double doses of three of my medications. The psych made it sound like that is hopefully temporary. I see him again on Tuesday.

Please pray for me and my team at work. As one of my coworkers pointed out to me yesterday, a lot of us are getting hit with things of varying severity. He thinks it could be spiritual warfare because of our very busy schedule right now, producing our "Annual Snapshot" magazine and preparing to do a total rebrand of ALLLLL our materials.

Between Monday and Thursday, I only worked 2-3 hours, because I was very sleep deprived/groggy/not thinking straight. So my poor boss (who is the best boss in the world!!) had to juggle everything I usually do in addition to her own things and managing everyone else :( I feel so bad about that, but I believe it's just what needed to happen. Yesterday I was able to work about 4 hours, so that was encouraging. I plan to work as much as I can next week, probably from home to begin with but maybe from the office.

Anyway, that kind of updates y'all on what's been going on with me, without getting into alllllll the details. If you have questions because you care about my wellbeing, feel free to reach out to me privately :)

Written April 30, 2022

The Ongoing Story: Stepping Forward ~ April 2022 pt. 2

 

Thinking about what this poster says is almost giving me chills - because, I think .... 4.25 years after my mental breakdown .... I'm finally able to begin seeing this as practically true in my life.

I am no longer the relatively naive 20-something who freaked out when she quit sleeping and was slapped with sudden-onset, severe depression. I'm now a 30-something who is learning {albeit slowly} to maintain a steady course of forward progress in the midst of emotional/mental/spiritual/social/etc. ups and downs. I'm continuing to build a toolkit of coping skills and safe people that I can turn loose in my life when it seems overwhelming.

And through every step of that journey, God has been faithful. So, so, so, so, so immeasurably faithful. His presence in my life hasn't always looked like I wished {in the moment} that it would ...... sometimes QUITE the contrary--so much so that it felt like an absence. BUT GOD. He HAS been present and faithful every moment and every day. So yes, this song at the end of this post is a repeat - but it's what was playing as I turned this post from a simple Facebook share into a full-fledged blogpost and typed this paragraph, and it FITS.

{cue break in writing where Esther binge-listens to this song on repeat multiple times and decides to read the lyrics as a prayer of praise & thanksgiving, (and yes, confession ....) at her small group from church tomorrow night}

I have so many thoughts right now, I'm not sure where this post goes next. The cynic in me wants to say "It's all just the hypomania talking!!!" And yes, I do think that is partially true. But let's rewind to that paragraph where I was talking about God's faithfulness. Because that's not where this post was initially headed. I got there, praise Paraclete, but I was just going to talk about my side of the equation.

Upon more mature reflection, I think I need to let the rest of my thoughts simmer and not write/post them in the heat of the muse/moment. So I'm going to end this here for now. :)

Written April 23, 2022

The Ongoing Story: Stepping Forward ~ April 2022

I'm taking a step of faith and writing this blog post at the beginning of the month. 

I don't know yet what most of April 2022 holds for me. But I have hope in God that it will hold His purposes and plans for my life, and that whatever those may be, He will weave it into *good* in my life.

April 3rd is the fourth anniversary of my departure from Uganda. But this year, I haven't been boxed in and defined by the anniversaries and failures of that 2018 season that I felt defined me for those first three years, including when I first started writing this blog. Now, at last, I've been back in the States for almost as long as I spent away from the States in Uganda.

God has most certainly been at work in my mind, heart and life over the past four years, and I am so very grateful to Him for all that He's done in and through me. That is NOT to say that I am perfected. Not in the least! Just on Friday I had to have a good-but-tough conversation with my boss because of something I had fallen short in at work. That will be an ongoing struggle over the coming weeks. But I'm learning to use the tools at my disposal to fight each battle a little better than the one before. And in that, I see progress!

If you can't tell from the title and what I have said so far, this post is about moving forward in life! No longer being constrained by my past failures, but being strengthened and renewed by Him who IS my life, to continue working out my own salvation with fear and trembling; as it is HE who works in me both to will and to do for His good pleasure (Phil. 2:12-13, paraphrased).

God's been building up to this point in my life for a while - and now I'm endeavoring to continue following His lead by taking a giant step of faith. I have been SO incredibly blessed to have a tight-knit community of people supporting me. But not everyone has that. A couple weeks ago, God impressed upon me the idea of beginning an online support group for Christians who have bipolar disorder.

Lord willing, I plan to launch this membership-based website in August of this year. Until then, I'm learning about running such a business and soon will begin creating/curating content to populate the site! 

So I'm passively moving beyond my past as the time flows on and God works, and I am also endeavoring to actively move into the next phase of my future! Five years ago, God only knew what was coming. And now, once again, only He knows what comes next. But no matter what comes, I'm learning more and more of His goodness and faithfulness!!!!

Written April 2, 2022