The Ongoing Story: A Lament ~ March 2022

This is going to be a different kind of an entry.

When I flew to Colorado to see some friends at the beginning of February, on the plane rides back and forth I read the entirety of The Scars That Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering. I'd had it in my Kindle library for a long time, so I don't recall where/how I found out about it.

It was a very helpful memoir of a woman who has been through a lot humanly speaking in her life, but has chosen to cling to God through it all. But this highlighted passage in chapter 7 really made me stop and think:

It was at that point that I decided March's post here in my story would be a lament. And yesterday as I was walking to my church thinking about a couple things, I was literally stopped in my tracks by a realization about what specifically I needed to lament the most. 

As I write this post, the fourth anniversary of my decision to resign from New Hope Uganda was earlier this week. In glancing back at that post I wrote a year ago today, it's amazing the difference in my outlook and perspective!! But we'll get to that :)

So here goes a different sort of post: a lament. {There are certainly some lines of paraphrased Scripture included, I'm just choosing not to clutter this with citations.}

He Is There

Where were You, oh Lord,

When sleep escaped my eyes

When I felt lost in a desert of doubt

When the enemy berated me?

Where were You?

"Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,"

I commanded my soul,

and yet the darkness persisted.

And then ...

It all comes to an end.

My home.

My adult life.

My ministry.

My identity.

In two weeks I was gone,

Leaving the people and place and work that I loved so deeply.

The sorrow didn't end there.

For nine months it frequently engulfed me.

For a year and a half I drifted here and there,

failing to put down true roots.

I questioned my ability to ever hold a steady job again.

BUT GOD.

Lord, You did NOT abandon me in my distress;

You are near to the brokenhearted.

And even when I couldn't see Your hand,

Now I can see the slow unfolding of Your patient and gentle work.

But in those months,

Yes - even in those first 3.5 years.

Oh Lord, I confess ...

That I was hurting deep inside,

That I clung to that hurt as something I deserved.

That so very often I was angry;

Angry at Your plan,

Angry at You.

Forgive, oh Lord!

I pray that You will not judge my life by that season,

As I so often do myself.

Bitterness, regret ...

These were my near-constant companions.

BUT GOD.

In Your mercy,

In Your grace;

In Your perfect timing,

You began to bring me out

of the miry clay,

To set my feet again on the rock.

Yes, I still slip off,

Yet You patiently reach out Your arm again,

And Your Spirit within me reaches

Grasping at Your strong and mighty arm.

I praise You, Oh Lord my God.

Praise be to the God of gods!

You redeem the years that Your locusts had eaten;

You bring beauty to the broken.

I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

All Your works are marvelous,

and that my soul knows full well.

I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for God;

Be strong and let my heart take courage;

And wait for the Lord.

Open my eyes in faith,

Oh Father, I pray.

Teach me to humbly surrender,

To lean into you when I don't understand.

You work all things together for good,

to those whom You have called

and who love You.

Rejoice in God, oh my soul!

Written March 24, 2022

P.S. After I wrote this, one of our prayer time leaders at work focused a Worship session on the idea of Lament. He included a couple songs that I found really meaningful as well - so this shall be a four-song post!