Oh my ... where to start??
{These "Ongoing Story" posts are often snapshots, not overviews of entire months. That is definitely the case in this one!}
The past week has been great, miserable, challenging/stretching, and amazing - all at different moments of time.
A week ago today (Friday the 22nd) I was in Pennsylvania (following our division's marvelous Strategic Advance), attending the Biblical drama "Queen Esther: Everyone Has a Story" at the Lancaster Sight & Sound theater with my mom's cousin and his family. It was **phenomenal**. Then I thoroughly enjoyed renewing my acquaintance with my second cousins on the drive to their parents' house that night and and with my mom's cousin & his wife as they took me back to the airport the next day.
Sunday I was so tired I literally was dozing off in the Lambs (2s & 3s nursery) at church where I was volunteering. Thankfully I was one of two workers, and the other lady kindly took care of everything for that middle chunk of the morning!
Monday was back to work day - busy with meetings most of the morning, as per normal for a Monday morning.
Tuesday is when the trouble started. I was majorly struggling with motivational energy, in part because of not sleeping so great the past couple nights and also probably some of an introvert shutdown after a very "peopley" week. And feeling overwhelmed with how much work there probably was to do to promote the Giving Catalog that my team had already worked SO HARD just to create! I could feel that my mood could spiral toward full-blown depression if I let it - so I texted the gals from my church's Young Adults Group and asked them to pray for me (SO grateful for you ladies!!). And I told my teammates (but not my supervisor ...) that I was feeling "hedgie" - like I wanted to curl up & go to sleep & ignore the world - like a hedgehog. Oh yeah, also that day I kinda "offended" one of my coworkers outside of my division. That was fun :P
That evening, as I was eating my dinner, I got a surprise text message from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. Thankfully this woman started off by identifying herself. She complimented me and thanked me for this blog, which I started promoting about three weeks ago. And at the end she did what took my breath away: She apologized. I'm still finding it hard to process .... that one of the people who **inadvertently** played a role in my Ugandan downfall was moved (primarily by God of course, but this lady also read what I wrote here) to apologize. In a sense, I've been waiting 3.5 years for that moment to come. {The next day I texted her back thanking her and asking if she'd be willing to dialogue a bit more about it. She's praying about that.} {We did meet up online, I think in December!}
On Wednesday morning, my team met for 2.5 hours discussing (mostly) our promotional plan for the Giving Catalog. We created a TWENTY-item checklist of audiences and methods for getting the word out. Which I then had the opportunity to turn into individual tasks and assign to people on our Teams project calendar (my specialty as the Creative Services Project Coordinator!!). So Wednesday I was pretty busy, too busy to feel "hedgie" - and thankfully enjoying what I was doing even in the midst of still feeling rather overwhelmed.
But then my boss called me on a Zoom video call ... she had a challenge for me, she said. She laid out her 'carefully hatched' plan. Her life/career coach had spoken to us at our Strategic Advance, and our team had some semi-intense conversations about things we wanted to change and goals we had. (I said I wanted to improve in my leadership abilities.)
My boss' plan was to put the five of us on the core team into two coaching groups with her coach for the next six weeks, so that we could work on implementing some of what we learned at the Advance as well as our individual professional goals.
I had been feeling pretty cynical about actually seeing changes in the next six weeks, as I felt like we would still be pedal-to-the-metal to get everything necessary done before we break for Christmas on Dec. 17. So, to be honest, I didn't take too kindly to my boss' idea. {Spoiler alert - she & I have since talked about it in-depth and we're fine!!}
I asked her, pretty strongly, if we could *please* wait until January to do this. She pushed back and said it really needed to happen sooner rather than later, and that we would be busy in January too!
My stomach was tying in knots; and I could feel my heart falling to my toes.
I was having deja vu and (totally unofficial) PTSD.
Because back in April/May 2017, I had asked for a revamp project to be put on hold.
And I was told "no" - that it needed to happen right away.
Back then, in about six weeks, that extra stress, on top of everything else I was carrying, broke me.
No, that wasn't my big breakdown, but believe me it played into it!
So on Wednesday I asked my boss for time to think about & process her request before I gave her a definite answer.
I was up from 12:30-1:45 a.m. Thurs. morning with insomnia, writing out what I wanted to say to my boss (because as much as I am improving at being a verbal processor, I'm still primarily a writing processor!!!!). Briefly telling her the story above; asking some questions; requesting another day to think about it; committing to actually pray about it if she would just give me another day. {Yes, I felt like Queen Esther, haha!}
Long story short, because she is an AMAZING supervisor and truly & deeply cares about her "charges," she heard me really well, appreciated & affirmed me for explaining to her where I was coming from, and granted my request. But she also explained her thoroughly valid reasons for wanting to do it now and not waiting any longer. I definitely felt cared for & seen, praise God. I needed that.
I worked 10 hours that day. But, in God's timing, I received a super-encouraging message from one of my Ugandan sisters, telling me about another apology that had taken place. That gave me a breath of HOPE even on such a challenging day.
When I got home to an empty house, as soon as I finished eating I pulled out my poor, rather neglected journal (I've been using the same one for almost THREE years - compared to the one before that only lasted about six months!!). Because, again, I process & focus best by prayer journaling - not just by talking/thinking prayers.
"Tbh, I don't want to do this," I started.
But by faith I invited God into the process. And after briefly recounting what I just wrote above about Weds/Thurs, I started processing.
"I'm scared ... I've experienced how adding one more thing can break a person in a relatively short time---and I think I made an unconscious vow [after the events of The Burnout & The Breakdown] to never again let that happen to me."
And as Paraclete peeled back the layers, I realized the core issue:
I didn't write this bit in my journal, but I was headed back toward the place I was in the first week or two of July.
I was hurt & angry and tired of playing the hypocritical charade I had forced myself into. And yes, at some point on Wednesday or Thursday, the thought of quitting my job rather than complying with my boss' plan flitted through my mind.
Praise Paraclete, He recaptured my heart with those two words.
I wrote a whole page in my journal of "But God" TRUE TRUTH statements.
And I did something I've known cognizantly needed to happen but that I had been utterly unwilling to do: I surrendered and repented for my UN-reliance on and DIS-trust of God which had been growing like a spiritual cancer for about five years now.
'Cause, you see, I've been what I'm terming a "horrifically 'good' hypocrite" for at least three years.
I've been working for a Christian organization.
I've gone to church & Bible studies (multiple of them!).
I've prayed 'spiritual' prayers in front of others.
I've even encouraged friends with truths I wasn't willing to 100% submit to or believe.
I've been just going through the motions, trying desperately to perform my way back into feeling God's pleasure & love again.
But I've been missing the passion. I've missed frequent, whole-hearted WORSHIP.
I lost sight of God's worthy-ness in the midst of my own hurt and pain.
In other words, I've been sinning and indulging in SELF-ishness/-worship.
But last night, praise God, He worked in my heart and gave me the courage to open my hands and begin releasing all that cr*p out of my heart.
I ain't suddenly perfect, unfortunately but obviously!! But last night was a HUGE step forward, and it was ALL HIM :)
In the past 24 hours, as I've been thinking about this post, there are SO MANY songs I could put with it!!! But here are two that stick out to me, in addition to the second one from the previous post.
Oh, and by the way, I told my boss that yes, I would do the group coaching. :) So that will be an adventure the next few weeks! But I'm doing it trusting GOD that HE will give me the strength and emotional courage to handle it and GROW!
Written Oct. 29, 2021
P.S. The group coaching was great, and well-worth our time and effort. I'm so thankful I took that step of faith and trusted God to do what He would through that opportunity! {3/21/22}
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