I'm writing this blog post now in the midst of the thing ... but I'm *so* glad it won't be time to publish it for several more weeks/months so that I can let it simmer.
This is a post I'm not proud/eager to write. But it's a small sliver of my story now - and I DO believe that God's GRACE shines through this sliver, and THAT'S what I want to capture!!!
***Content warning*** - generalized discussion of thoughts of self-harm.
In "The Hard Admission" chapter, I wrote about how "I can't definitively remember the last time I dealt with the things in this post." Well, this time I can't say that. Because the last time I wrestled with this was just a few days ago.
Like I just wrote in an email to my Intercessor Team,
We are SUCH complex beings - I'm going to try to keep this short and simple, but every story has so many inputs and facets it's almost impossible to capture them all.
It's 4:15 a.m. as I write this sentence. I've only slept five hours out of the last ....... 45 hours or so. I know, not good.
I don't know for sure when this episode cycle started; it came on rather suddenly.
The first weekend in November found me hanging out with Hannah & Laura, my two *dear dear* "sorority sisters". It was a *marvelous* time, and part of my definitely did NOT want to return to "real" life.
Then, on Monday (Nov. 8), my boss offered me a piece of constructive criticism which was totally valid. BUT I took it WAY too personally (definitely my fault, NOT hers!!). And I clung to it and wallowed in it and felt like it was going to define me, like I had failed her big time for not thinking through the implications of my action that she reprimanded me for.
I even met with my amazing counselor, Ellen, that evening - but I didn't realize yet how much my boss' comments were going to affect me, so Ellen and I caught up about other important developments.
But by the time I had gone to the Slim4Life office and arrived home, I wasn't doing so great emotionally. I went to bed around 8:30 p.m., unusually early for me, and as I lay there waiting to fall asleep I was turning the situation over and over in my mind.
And then it struck.
My most troublesome self-harm thought rushed in upon me.
And I was like a crow with a shiny object; I kept on coming back to it and toying with it.
That's on me, for sure.
Tuesday was a blur of trying to work and mostly failing. Ironically, it was my boss' birthday and I organized the birthday card & flowers for her ... a bit more out of duty than I would have otherwise. I ought to have called a crisis line that evening, the thoughts were pretty severe. I knew I was mucking about in the mire on purpose, by conscious choice, but I had no desire to change that perspective/choice. And even the thought of researching what number to call was a bar too high (now I have two such numbers saved in my phone). Tuesday night, I went to bed even earlier, thoughts still swirling. I slept 10 hours that night.
Wednesday morning I got up but then went back to bed, pulling the covers over my head, having *no* desire to face the day.
My dear housemate Lorys was concerned, and rightfully so - but I didn't tell her the depths of the darkness ... still haven't yet, actually. I need to. {By now, she knows all!}
But praise God, He dragged me out of bed and into the office, and I was able to get to work just a bit late. Not long after, I got a text informing me that someone I was with on Sunday evening had just tested positive for COVID-19. The literal thought that went through my head was "If I have to go back and work from home, I WILL [do something drastic]." {Told you I wasn't proud of this chapter!!!} BUT, praise God, because I am fully vaccinated my boss told me I could continue working in the office as long as I masked and got tested.
Also praise God, one of my coworkers who usually works remotely came into the office to help decorate for an office party the next day. That helped *immensely!!* My boss only came in for an hour-long meeting. She was on day three of a horrific, debilitating headache, which is why I didn't even consider talking to her about how I was responding to what she had shared with me.
That day I must admit that I mostly let my normal work slide and threw myself into the decorating of our corner of the office common area. Including hand-cutting printed letters out of paper to put onto a burlap banner! It's what my brain was willing to do. I did have a video call with our editor in which I admitted to her that I didn't have the emotional energy to work on edits to a blog post that was supposed to be due that day.
I was *so* grateful for her response. She just stopped and said in the most compassionate tone of voice, "what's goin' on?" And after I told her a bit, she said to me "I care more about you than about a blog post." I needed to hear those words :) Looking back, maybe that conversation is what flipped the switch!!! THANKS BEV!!!
I slept 10 hours again Weds night/Thurs morning, but the thoughts were not as severe. On the way to work, I finally talked to somebody (my "pastor's" wife who is a good friend and was my re:generation mentor!) about some of what I had been struggling with, which naturally helped immensely as well. Thursday was a fun day at the office, and also a very meaningful one. We had a staff mini-retreat, and Paraclete knew that is *exactly* what I needed. During the extended worship time, I once again had to surrender and repent before my heavenly Father. And He received me, of course, with open arms full of grace :) The two songs with this post are ones that we sang together that morning! We also had a session on *resiliency* which was both convicting & encouraging.
Thursday was a crazy busy day, though, so I still didn't talk to my boss.
But I was finally talking to other people again. I talked to three different people on the phone Thursday evening about what I had been struggling with ... though leaving out the deepest depths of it. My dear mother was one of those people. As we got ready to hang up, she said to me, "I love you, even when you make mistakes." And that continues to mean the WORLD to me; those words were much-needed & appreciated balm to my soul :)
That night, though, I only slept 2.5 hours. But in the morning, I finally admitted to someone just how deep the episode of darkness had been. And my boss was willing to be very accommodating of my lack of sleep, because she's *the best* boss!! :)
Friday I had lunch with a coworker who I asked to mentor me over a year ago. I've been really honest with her about my spiritual struggles with angst toward God, so it was great to share with her the breakthrough that had happened on that front in October! But I did also tell her, for the first time, a little bit about the deepest depths of my struggles.
That was yesterday. It's now 5:30 a.m. on Saturday. I still only slept 2.5 hours, even with taking the prescription sleeping pill from my psychiatrist that I keep on hand and take as needed.
I really don't want to have to end up back on a psych ward, but if I have another really bad night of sleep I might be headed that direction.
BUT GOD - HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!! And He is GOOD!!!!! And yes, this may be the hypomania upswing talking, but I am grateful even for this test and this week and this season. No, I didn't pass the test with flying colors ... but I'm learning and growing more and more! :)
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