Earlier this month [July 2021] I was very tempted to abandon everything I believe and just walk away from it all.
There was no new major crisis, just the old tiredness about the guilty feelings of hypocrisy that I try to hide from most.
The last three+ years of not understanding, of frustration and anger, of feeling cheated, have naturally been taking their toll.
- I pray out loud when it's expected of me, but never in depth when I'm alone.
- My devotional life the past year and a half has been almost nonexistent.
- I attend church, but to be honest the pandemic broke my habit of note-taking and I hadn't picked it back up, leading to dozing in sermons.
- I couldn't tell you the last time I prayer journaled - just that it's been months, not weeks.
What exactly brought on the temptation? The only two definite answers I have are 1) hormones and 2) the women's Bible study I'm doing in Jude. Hormones are semi-valid - but the weakness of "the week before" mood swing doesn't create problems ... it only reveals them more clearly. The Jude study has at times left me feeling like/wondering if I am one of those "certain people" - false teachers who blend in so well but are really rebellious hypocrites.
I literally took a lunch break at work during which I just stared at my empty computer screen, thinking about what life would look like if I walked away from my Christian faith.
I'm not proud of that half hour, nor am I happy to admit this struggle.
BUT GOD.
God, who works ALL things out for good for those who love Him and whom He has called (Rom. 8:28), is working even through this.
In that half hour, there was primarily one thing that kept me committed to this journey of salvation. A very logistical thing, but a primary concern nonetheless: I work for a Christian organization. So, I walk away from my faith, I walk away from my job. And I LOVE my coworkers and my job!!!
A wise coworker has been meeting with me once or twice a month for the past year in a mentoring role. As of now (writing this), she's the only one who knows of that day's struggle. But she is excellent at asking poignant questions to help me think through things--and praise God I'm willing to be gut-level honest with her.
So we talked it through a week after it happened. And she helped me more rationally consider the supposed "gains" of walking away. Most of them were self-centered, or straight up lies I was believing. For example, "I could allow myself to feel bitterness and resentment without feeling guilty about it."
I'm not sure where this post goes from here. I haven't rejected it all, thank God. He's keeping me, and I trust in His faithfulness a whole lot more than my own. Unfortunately, I don't think I can say that right now I'm 100% committed to what I intellectually know is the Truth - but I'm also not actively considering walking away. To be honest I'm still hurting, three and a half years later. I wish I could move past it, get back to who I used to be before January 2018, and grow upwards/deeper from there - but sometimes that feels unattainable. Will I ever win back that spiritual ground?
I also don't know why I'm writing this tonight, when I don't have all the answers in shining clarity. But I couldn't sleep, and I already called my insomnia buddy; and so I write.
If I've learned anything over these past years, it's the reality of the ongoing struggle with the flesh - the Romans 7:13-25 wrestling. I want to believe! Lord, help my unbelief. Before Uganda, I never understood that the way I do now.
Well, that's all I've got for today, folks. Thanks for reading & caring!
This song came to mind early in the writing of this post. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how the Lord is doing these things in my own life, but I'm thankful for the examples in Scripture and peoples' testimonies of how He has worked and is working it in others' lives.
Written July 21, 2021
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