It's still pretty early in the month ... the 6th of April as I begin to write this post. But I still already know what the theme will be for this month's entry.
I've been learning that it usually takes me a long time to process grief.
When I was around seven, my mom had a miscarriage and our family lost what the doctor said was probably a little girl. For months after, I told myself I would only think about that loss on Sunday nights, when we were allowed to drink soda, because if I cried I could blame it on the carbonation.
All three of my grandparents came to my high school graduation May 2009. But that was one of the last healthy/normal things that my Grandma Goff, who my middle name comes from, was able to do on earth. Her cancer had come back, and even though she sought treatment, after a short decline she passed away in July 2009. If my memory serves me well, I didn't shed a tear about her death until I was a senior in college, four years later.
In February 2018, as I was in the midst of my mental health struggles in Uganda, a woman who I had been close to died from a car accident in a different part of Uganda. Because of the circumstances--both my own and the family's--I didn't go to the funeral. It was October or November of that year before I really grieved and processed that loss.
The same pattern has held true for processing the grief of my departure from Uganda. This year, as the anniversary of my leaving there rolled around, I realized that I had spent three years trying to "deal" with the feelings of sadness by suppressing them. Which, unfortunately, doesn't do very well in terms of long-range emotional health!
So this year, I've been proactively trying to recognize and work through some of those feelings ... naming all the animals, as one author called it. I feel like I've got a long ways to go ... but I'm grateful to God for several things:
- I'm in a better place emotionally, where I'm more able to handle all those uncomfortable feels. At the year one anniversary, I was still saddened that I hadn't been able to join Servant Teams in Africa, I think. At the year two anniversary, I was so busy with work (launching a new website will do that to you!) and adjusting to the reality of COVID-19 stay-at-home that I didn't think about it as much. But this year I'm working on doing better.
- I'm surrounded by amazing people!!! Christar is becoming my new work-family, and while some may say that's not healthy; I believe it is because there we are all siblings in Christ. One lady at work has agreed to be a mentor figure for me, and she's willing to ask hard questions and push me towards growth rather than stagnation. Another lady is an amazing prayer warrior and has graciously shared her time with me on three different occasions in the past couple weeks as I've needed to process the emotions of leaving Uganda. Outside of work, I have ladies who are faithful pray-ers for me. And yesterday evening, when I left work feeling emotionally fragile for no particular reason, I felt free to call a sweet friend from church and invite myself over for dinner at her family's place. It was much, MUCH better for me than coming home to an empty house.
- My counselor is spectacular (I see her later today ...... maybe that's why I can't sleep!). She is so empathetic and encouraging ... and, while I need to be more proactive about taking notes during and/or journaling after so that I remember the things we talk about, I am grateful for her wise and biblically sound advice!
- As I mentioned in another post, I was able to see Geoff & Mary again, nearly three years after I bid farewell to them at the airport in Entebbe. I'm so grateful to them for taking a couple hours out of a packed day to come share rice and beans with me at my Christar office. It was wonderful to catch up and to get big hugs from both of them.
- I'M GOING BACK TO UGANDA IN AUGUST FOR A VISIT!!!!! Lord willing, of course, but planning for that trip after having bought my plane tickets is a sweet encouragement in this season of missing those people and that place.
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