I didn't take my medicine for three, maybe four days at the beginning of 2021.
It was pure laziness. I had picked up my prescription a couple days before running out of my current stock, but it was in my car. And I only ever thought of getting it when I would normally take the medication, right before going to bed. Yeah, like I said--pure laziness. But I felt like I could let it slip for a few days.
Well, on Jan. 4 I went back to work in the office for the first time since Dec. 18. It had been a 'delicious' two weeks off, spent with my whole family (including brother, Nathan, from North Dakota), thanks to my dear boss who had decided to shut down our department for two weeks. With my family, I had gone on walks outside on the beautiful days that a Texas December gave us, celebrated Christmas together, and of course (for our family) played lots of games! While not every moment was perfect, it was a wonderful time together.
Getting back into the swing of things at the office that Jan. 4 was *hard*. I had a difficult time focusing too after coming back from a week mostly away during Thanksgiving, but this was a little different. I didn't even want to write or work on editing any of my stories for my organization's website - very unusual for me.
I did my basic tasks as project coordinator, making sure that our personnel and schedules were interacting in such a way to complete our monthly publications. But that doesn't take eight hours a day ... I usually need a couple writing projects and a larger-scale department/division project to keep me busy.
So I sat at my computer and stared at the screen. I would minimize all the windows I had open - to enjoy my camping under the Milky Way desktop background - but then I would keep angrily clicking. Angry because I didn't like myself this way, unwilling to get committed and involved in a writing project I knew I would probably enjoy, if only I could get started.
I would open up a Word document of a story I had previously written with my editor's helpful and encouraging notes on the sideline, and it was just too much - I felt like I couldn't.
Thoughts would flood my mind that would lead me on rabbit trails, usually not to a great place. I would be at my desk physically shaking my head until my hair also shook, trying to bring myself back from that place.
And the worst part is? I let myself stay that way for days. I think that whole first week back I was acting like this. OK, because I'm a detail-oriented perfectionist, I looked back - and it was actually only three days (on that first Thursday, I enjoyed writing an 1,100-word story!!). But it felt like an eternity.
The silly part is that it took me several days to connect the two - my lack of medication for a few days and my downturn in mood/attitude/work ethic.
Lesson learned: Yes, I do need to be on my medications. And yes, I do need to actually take them faithfully. But, at the same time, my faith should not be in my medications. My faith needs to be in God's faithfulness. ... Yeah, I'll be brutally honest - that's a work in progress sometimes. And, from what I hear others who are further along in their journey say, it always will be.
So this post is my "No, I'm not always fine" post. It's my "Yes, bipolar really does affect my life" post. But it's also my "I'm going to move on and not let that define me" post. It's the "I'm not going to hide my real struggles from the world" post.
And so on that last note, here's a song that's been on repeat on the Christian radio station I always have on in my car. It seems like, for a couple of weeks, it was playing every single time I drove somewhere!
Written Jan. 20, 2021
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