The Ongoing Story: Mood Swings ~ Nov. 2021

I'm writing this blog post now in the midst of the thing ... but I'm *so* glad it won't be time to publish it for several more weeks/months so that I can let it simmer.

This is a post I'm not proud/eager to write. But it's a small sliver of my story now - and I DO believe that God's GRACE shines through this sliver, and THAT'S what I want to capture!!!

***Content warning*** - generalized discussion of thoughts of self-harm.

In "The Hard Admission" chapter, I wrote about how "I can't definitively remember the last time I dealt with the things in this post." Well, this time I can't say that. Because the last time I wrestled with this was just a few days ago.

Like I just wrote in an email to my Intercessor Team, 

We are SUCH complex beings - I'm going to try to keep this short and simple, but every story has so many inputs and facets it's almost impossible to capture them all.

It's 4:15 a.m. as I write this sentence. I've only slept five hours out of the last ....... 45 hours or so. I know, not good.

I don't know for sure when this episode cycle started; it came on rather suddenly.

The first weekend in November found me hanging out with Hannah & Laura, my two *dear dear* "sorority sisters". It was a *marvelous* time, and part of my definitely did NOT want to return to "real" life.

Then, on Monday (Nov. 8), my boss offered me a piece of constructive criticism which was totally valid. BUT I took it WAY too personally (definitely my fault, NOT hers!!). And I clung to it and wallowed in it and felt like it was going to define me, like I had failed her big time for not thinking through the implications of my action that she reprimanded me for.

I even met with my amazing counselor, Ellen, that evening - but I didn't realize yet how much my boss' comments were going to affect me, so Ellen and I caught up about other important developments.

But by the time I had gone to the Slim4Life office and arrived home, I wasn't doing so great emotionally. I went to bed around 8:30 p.m., unusually early for me, and as I lay there waiting to fall asleep I was turning the situation over and over in my mind.

And then it struck.

My most troublesome self-harm thought rushed in upon me.

And I was like a crow with a shiny object; I kept on coming back to it and toying with it.

That's on me, for sure.

Tuesday was a blur of trying to work and mostly failing. Ironically, it was my boss' birthday and I organized the birthday card & flowers for her ... a bit more out of duty than I would have otherwise. I ought to have called a crisis line that evening, the thoughts were pretty severe. I knew I was mucking about in the mire on purpose, by conscious choice, but I had no desire to change that perspective/choice. And even the thought of researching what number to call was a bar too high (now I have two such numbers saved in my phone). Tuesday night, I went to bed even earlier, thoughts still swirling. I slept 10 hours that night.

Wednesday morning I got up but then went back to bed, pulling the covers over my head, having *no* desire to face the day.

My dear housemate Lorys was concerned, and rightfully so - but I didn't tell her the depths of the darkness ... still haven't yet, actually. I need to. {By now, she knows all!}

But praise God, He dragged me out of bed and into the office, and I was able to get to work just a bit late. Not long after, I got a text informing me that someone I was with on Sunday evening had just tested positive for COVID-19. The literal thought that went through my head was "If I have to go back and work from home, I WILL [do something drastic]." {Told you I wasn't proud of this chapter!!!} BUT, praise God, because I am fully vaccinated my boss told me I could continue working in the office as long as I masked and got tested.

Also praise God, one of my coworkers who usually works remotely came into the office to help decorate for an office party the next day. That helped *immensely!!* My boss only came in for an hour-long meeting. She was on day three of a horrific, debilitating headache, which is why I didn't even consider talking to her about how I was responding to what she had shared with me.

That day I must admit that I mostly let my normal work slide and threw myself into the decorating of our corner of the office common area. Including hand-cutting printed letters out of paper to put onto a burlap banner! It's what my brain was willing to do. I did have a video call with our editor in which I admitted to her that I didn't have the emotional energy to work on edits to a blog post that was supposed to be due that day. 

I was *so* grateful for her response. She just stopped and said in the most compassionate tone of voice, "what's goin' on?" And after I told her a bit, she said to me "I care more about you than about a blog post." I needed to hear those words :) Looking back, maybe that conversation is what flipped the switch!!! THANKS BEV!!!

I slept 10 hours again Weds night/Thurs morning, but the thoughts were not as severe. On the way to work, I finally talked to somebody (my "pastor's" wife who is a good friend and was my re:generation mentor!) about some of what I had been struggling with, which naturally helped immensely as well. Thursday was a fun day at the office, and also a very meaningful one. We had a staff mini-retreat, and Paraclete knew that is *exactly* what I needed. During the extended worship time, I once again had to surrender and repent before my heavenly Father. And He received me, of course, with open arms full of grace :) The two songs with this post are ones that we sang together that morning! We also had a session on *resiliency* which was both convicting & encouraging.

Thursday was a crazy busy day, though, so I still didn't talk to my boss.

But I was finally talking to other people again. I talked to three different people on the phone Thursday evening about what I had been struggling with ... though leaving out the deepest depths of it. My dear mother was one of those people. As we got ready to hang up, she said to me, "I love you, even when you make mistakes." And that continues to mean the WORLD to me; those words were much-needed & appreciated balm to my soul :)

That night, though, I only slept 2.5 hours. But in the morning, I finally admitted to someone just how deep the episode of darkness had been. And my boss was willing to be very accommodating of my lack of sleep, because she's *the best* boss!! :)

Friday I had lunch with a coworker who I asked to mentor me over a year ago. I've been really honest with her about my spiritual struggles with angst toward God, so it was great to share with her the breakthrough that had happened on that front in October! But I did also tell her, for the first time, a little bit about the deepest depths of my struggles.

That was yesterday. It's now 5:30 a.m. on Saturday. I still only slept 2.5 hours, even with taking the prescription sleeping pill from my psychiatrist that I keep on hand and take as needed.

I really don't want to have to end up back on a psych ward, but if I have another really bad night of sleep I might be headed that direction.

BUT GOD - HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!! And He is GOOD!!!!! And yes, this may be the hypomania upswing talking, but I am grateful even for this test and this week and this season. No, I didn't pass the test with flying colors ... but I'm learning and growing more and more! :)

Written Nov. 13, 2021

P.S. Well, the short version of the rest of the month is that I ended up taking two weeks off of work - and I *did* indeed wind up in the mental hospital for a week yet again. Maybe some other time I will expand this postscript to tell more about that .... but now is not that time. {3/21/2022}

The Ongoing Story: Whisperings, Stirrings, and a Breakthrough ~ Oct. 2021

 Oh my ... where to start??

{These "Ongoing Story" posts are often snapshots, not overviews of entire months. That is definitely the case in this one!}

The past week has been great, miserable, challenging/stretching, and amazing - all at different moments of time.

A week ago today (Friday the 22nd) I was in Pennsylvania (following our division's marvelous Strategic Advance), attending the Biblical drama "Queen Esther: Everyone Has a Story" at the Lancaster Sight & Sound theater with my mom's cousin and his family. It was **phenomenal**. Then I thoroughly enjoyed renewing my acquaintance with my second cousins on the drive to their parents' house that night and and with my mom's cousin & his wife as they took me back to the airport the next day.

Sunday I was so tired I literally was dozing off in the Lambs (2s & 3s nursery) at church where I was volunteering. Thankfully I was one of two workers, and the other lady kindly took care of everything for that middle chunk of the morning!

Monday was back to work day - busy with meetings most of the morning, as per normal for a Monday morning.

Tuesday is when the trouble started. I was majorly struggling with motivational energy, in part because of not sleeping so great the past couple nights and also probably some of an introvert shutdown after a very "peopley" week. And feeling overwhelmed with how much work there probably was to do to promote the Giving Catalog that my team had already worked SO HARD just to create! I could feel that my mood could spiral toward full-blown depression if I let it - so I texted the gals from my church's Young Adults Group and asked them to pray for me (SO grateful for you ladies!!). And I told my teammates (but not my supervisor ...) that I was feeling "hedgie" - like I wanted to curl up & go to sleep & ignore the world - like a hedgehog. Oh yeah, also that day I kinda "offended" one of my coworkers outside of my division. That was fun :P

That evening, as I was eating my dinner, I got a surprise text message from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. Thankfully this woman started off by identifying herself. She complimented me and thanked me for this blog, which I started promoting about three weeks ago. And at the end she did what took my breath away: She apologized. I'm still finding it hard to process .... that one of the people who **inadvertently** played a role in my Ugandan downfall was moved (primarily by God of course, but this lady also read what I wrote here) to apologize. In a sense, I've been waiting 3.5 years for that moment to come. {The next day I texted her back thanking her and asking if she'd be willing to dialogue a bit more about it. She's praying about that.} {We did meet up online, I think in December!}

On Wednesday morning, my team met for 2.5 hours discussing (mostly) our promotional plan for the Giving Catalog. We created a TWENTY-item checklist of audiences and methods for getting the word out. Which I then had the opportunity to turn into individual tasks and assign to people on our Teams project calendar (my specialty as the Creative Services Project Coordinator!!). So Wednesday I was pretty busy, too busy to feel "hedgie" - and thankfully enjoying what I was doing even in the midst of still feeling rather overwhelmed.

But then my boss called me on a Zoom video call ... she had a challenge for me, she said. She laid out her 'carefully hatched' plan. Her life/career coach had spoken to us at our Strategic Advance, and our team had some semi-intense conversations about things we wanted to change and goals we had. (I said I wanted to improve in my leadership abilities.)

My boss' plan was to put the five of us on the core team into two coaching groups with her coach for the next six weeks, so that we could work on implementing some of what we learned at the Advance as well as our individual professional goals.

I had been feeling pretty cynical about actually seeing changes in the next six weeks, as I felt like we would still be pedal-to-the-metal to get everything necessary done before we break for Christmas on Dec. 17. So, to be honest, I didn't take too kindly to my boss' idea. {Spoiler alert - she & I have since talked about it in-depth and we're fine!!}

I asked her, pretty strongly, if we could *please* wait until January to do this. She pushed back and said it really needed to happen sooner rather than later, and that we would be busy in January too!

My stomach was tying in knots; and I could feel my heart falling to my toes.

I was having deja vu and (totally unofficial) PTSD. 

Because back in April/May 2017, I had asked for a revamp project to be put on hold.

And I was told "no" - that it needed to happen right away.

Back then, in about six weeks, that extra stress, on top of everything else I was carrying, broke me.

No, that wasn't my big breakdown, but believe me it played into it!

So on Wednesday I asked my boss for time to think about & process her request before I gave her a definite answer.

I was up from 12:30-1:45 a.m. Thurs. morning with insomnia, writing out what I wanted to say to my boss (because as much as I am improving at being a verbal processor, I'm still primarily a writing processor!!!!). Briefly telling her the story above; asking some questions; requesting another day to think about it; committing to actually pray about it if she would just give me another day. {Yes, I felt like Queen Esther, haha!}

Long story short, because she is an AMAZING supervisor and truly & deeply cares about her "charges," she heard me really well, appreciated & affirmed me for explaining to her where I was coming from, and granted my request. But she also explained her thoroughly valid reasons for wanting to do it now and not waiting any longer. I definitely felt cared for & seen, praise God. I needed that.

I worked 10 hours that day. But, in God's timing, I received a super-encouraging message from one of my Ugandan sisters, telling me about another apology that had taken place. That gave me a breath of HOPE even on such a challenging day.

When I got home to an empty house, as soon as I finished eating I pulled out my poor, rather neglected journal (I've been using the same one for almost THREE years - compared to the one before that only lasted about six months!!). Because, again, I process & focus best by prayer journaling - not just by talking/thinking prayers.

"Tbh, I don't want to do this," I started.

But by faith I invited God into the process. And after briefly recounting what I just wrote above about Weds/Thurs, I started processing.

"I'm scared ... I've experienced how adding one more thing can break a person in a relatively short time---and I think I made an unconscious vow [after the events of The Burnout & The Breakdown] to never again let that happen to me."

And as Paraclete peeled back the layers, I realized the core issue:

And then I summarized the accusatory feelings I had toward God. Things I'm content to remain in the secret pages of my journal, at least for now.

I didn't write this bit in my journal, but I was headed back toward the place I was in the first week or two of July.

I was hurt & angry and tired of playing the hypocritical charade I had forced myself into. And yes, at some point on Wednesday or Thursday, the thought of quitting my job rather than complying with my boss' plan flitted through my mind.

BUT GOD.

Praise Paraclete, He recaptured my heart with those two words.

I wrote a whole page in my journal of "But God" TRUE TRUTH statements.

And I did something I've known cognizantly needed to happen but that I had been utterly unwilling to do: I surrendered and repented for my UN-reliance on and DIS-trust of God which had been growing like a spiritual cancer for about five years now.

'Cause, you see, I've been what I'm terming a "horrifically 'good' hypocrite" for at least three years.

I've been working for a Christian organization.

I've gone to church & Bible studies (multiple of them!).

I've prayed 'spiritual' prayers in front of others.

I've even encouraged friends with truths I wasn't willing to 100% submit to or believe.

I've been just going through the motions, trying desperately to perform my way back into feeling God's pleasure & love again.

But I've been missing the passion. I've missed frequent, whole-hearted WORSHIP.

I lost sight of God's worthy-ness in the midst of my own hurt and pain.

In other words, I've been sinning and indulging in SELF-ishness/-worship.

But last night, praise God, He worked in my heart and gave me the courage to open my hands and begin releasing all that cr*p out of my heart.

I ain't suddenly perfect, unfortunately but obviously!! But last night was a HUGE step forward, and it was ALL HIM :)

In the past 24 hours, as I've been thinking about this post, there are SO MANY songs I could put with it!!! But here are two that stick out to me, in addition to the second one from the previous post.

Oh, and by the way, I told my boss that yes, I would do the group coaching. :) So that will be an adventure the next few weeks! But I'm doing it trusting GOD that HE will give me the strength and emotional courage to handle it and GROW!

Written Oct. 29, 2021

P.S. The group coaching was great, and well-worth our time and effort. I'm so thankful I took that step of faith and trusted God to do what He would through that opportunity!  {3/21/22} 

The Ongoing Story: Processing Forgiveness ~ Sept. 2021

 I've a feeling this is going to be a very short post ..... both because I've waited six months to put fingers to keyboard and write this--and it is still in process--but also because I am worn out after a very full weekend. {But more about that in a future post!!!}

September 2021 was the month after my trip to visit "back home" in Uganda for the first time after 3.5 years of being gone {as discussed in the previous blog post}. So Uganda and everything that happened there and the ways I perceived I was wronged were more freshly on my heart than they had been for a while.

I'm pulling from my journal and Facebook posts for this entry .... and there's just not a lot about what I want to write about. But I do clearly remember it is something I felt God moving in my heart about during that month - especially the last weekend.

Looking back through my Facebook posts from that month reminded me that's when I started my Slim4Life weight loss plan .... and that I was also having some trouble sleeping. My brother came to visit, and then on Oct. 1st I drove up to Siloam Springs, AR (my favorite little college town) for the John Brown University Homecoming. I remember I was only running on three or four hours of sleep ... and I left around 3:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. That trip included getting pulled over by a friendly policeman who was wondering if I was ok after I crossed the lane markers a couple times right in front of him. :(

So based on my recollections now, this ought to be more of an October post - but I'm calling it September anyway. And this is my blog, so we go by my rules :)

Because it was on that early morning drive up to Siloam that I accidentally listened to Grace is Greater: God's Plan to Overcome Your Past, Redeem Your Pain, and Rewrite Your Story by Kyle Idleman for the second time. The first time had been in March 2021,  my pervious trip up to Siloam. (Siloam trips are frequently the only times I listen to audio books!)

I don't remember what I thought of it in March 2021 - probably the pain was still, three years after leaving Uganda, too real and too raw for me to process it fully. But in some ways, visiting Uganda in August changed all of that. It gave me greater clarity and healing and the ability to start looking at my experiences there in a different light.

I'm not an audio processor - I process best by seeing things and kinesthetically marking things up. But praise God, Kyle Idleman uses lots of stories and examples in his book, and THOSE definitely spoke to me!!!

Late that afternoon of Oct. 1, I wrote in my journal, "At least half the book focuses on forgiveness, extending the grace we have received to others. And that's a message I need to hear. Because I still harbor an unforgiving spirit toward {name retracted}."

I continued, "I need to see if the CBC library has [Grace is Greater] and/or buy it so that I can use it to go through the process of experiencing showing greater grace in my memory of {several people}. I want to commit to that ..."

I did indeed buy the book! And I started going through it with the book in my hands I think later that month, when I was headed back from our Division of Engagement & Advancement strategic advance (work retreat) in Pennsylvania. But then I got busy with end-of-year stuff, and didn't pick it up again until Feb. 27, 2022. But that's a story for another time.

I had all these songs in this post long before tonight. These are songs that spoke to me back in Sept/Oct 2021. I hope you enjoy them and that they speak to your heart too!

{Somehow the song above has been out for TWO YEARS, but I honestly don't remember hearing it until Sept. 2021!!!}

The Ongoing Story: Ugandan Closure ~ Aug. 2021

 I didn't find the closure I thought I wanted during my two-week trip to Uganda this past August.

But that's not a bad thing - far from it.

Instead of closing a chapter of my life forever, my time in Uganda was a rich refreshing of the relationships I had built in my four years there.

As I've started thinking about and processing that the last couple days, I think God used my visit back "home" to give me some emotional closure that I needed, but not the relational closure I thought was also necessary. Praise Him that He knows what we *really* need, even when that looks different than we think.

I was reminded today by a coworker just how many people were praying for this trip - A) that it would happen (a second wave of COVID-19 threatened that, but God's timing worked out perfectly!) and B) that it would be a special time with "sisters" and "family" there. God so very graciously answered all of those prayers, including the prayers of protection for the 10+ tech devices I was transporting!!

Looking back, I think I left Uganda [in 2018] with so much shame and so many feelings of failure hanging over me. As I reflect on what I received from my Ugandan family during my week at "home" in Kasana, and the next week traveling to a couple different parts of Uganda, I think God used their gracious, loving kindness and welcome to bring a significant measure of healing to that feeling of shame that I had carried for approximately three years, four months and 10 days.

They were happy to see me and I was happy to see them.

They praised God with me that I am now healthy and so much more stable than I was when I left.

They thanked God for the job and the work He has for me to do here in the States.

God knit many hearts together with mine during the four years that I lived in Kasana/Uganda. And even though I now live thousands of miles away from that place, that doesn't have to change the fact that I am close in heart to them and they to me.

I feel as though now that I have been back once, the door is always open for me to go back and visit, without the fear and shame, as God provides.

No, I didn't get the two apologies that I would have liked to receive. But I knew going in that I probably wasn't going to see that happen, and so I am contented with all the goodness of God that I did receive.

Praise God who works to redeem & bring healing!
Look What You've Done!

Written Aug. 30, 2021

The Ongoing Story: What if I Walked Away? ~ July 2021

 Earlier this month [July 2021] I was very tempted to abandon everything I believe and just walk away from it all.

There was no new major crisis, just the old tiredness about the guilty feelings of hypocrisy that I try to hide from most.

The last three+ years of not understanding, of frustration and anger, of feeling cheated, have naturally been taking their toll.

• I pray out loud when it's expected of me, but never in depth when I'm alone.
• My devotional life the past year and a half has been almost nonexistent.
• I attend church, but to be honest the pandemic broke my habit of note-taking and I hadn't picked it back up, leading to dozing in sermons.
• I couldn't tell you the last time I prayer journaled - just that it's been months, not weeks.

What exactly brought on the temptation? The only two definite answers I have are 1) hormones and 2) the women's Bible study I'm doing in Jude. Hormones are semi-valid - but the weakness of "the week before" mood swing doesn't create problems ... it only reveals them more clearly. The Jude study has at times left me feeling like/wondering if I am one of those "certain people" - false teachers who blend in so well but are really rebellious hypocrites.

I literally took a lunch break at work during which I just stared at my empty computer screen, thinking about what life would look like if I walked away from my Christian faith.

I'm not proud of that half hour, nor am I happy to admit this struggle.

BUT GOD.

God, who works ALL things out for good for those who love Him and whom He has called (Rom. 8:28), is working even through this.

In that half hour, there was primarily one thing that kept me committed to this journey of salvation. A very logistical thing, but a primary concern nonetheless: I work for a Christian organization. So, I walk away from my faith, I walk away from my job. And I LOVE my coworkers and my job!!!

A wise coworker has been meeting with me once or twice a month for the past year in a mentoring role. As of now (writing this), she's the only one who knows of that day's struggle. But she is excellent at asking poignant questions to help me think through things--and praise God I'm willing to be gut-level honest with her.

So we talked it through a week after it happened. And she helped me more rationally consider the supposed "gains" of walking away. Most of them were self-centered, or straight up lies I was believing. For example, "I could allow myself to feel bitterness and resentment without feeling guilty about it."

I'm not sure where this post goes from here. I haven't rejected it all, thank God. He's keeping me, and I trust in His faithfulness a whole lot more than my own. Unfortunately, I don't think I can say that right now I'm 100% committed to what I intellectually know is the Truth - but I'm also not actively considering walking away. To be honest I'm still hurting, three and a half years later. I wish I could move past it, get back to who I used to be before January 2018, and grow upwards/deeper from there - but sometimes that feels unattainable. Will I ever win back that spiritual ground?

I also don't know why I'm writing this tonight, when I don't have all the answers in shining clarity. But I couldn't sleep, and I already called my insomnia buddy; and so I write.

If I've learned anything over these past years, it's the reality of the ongoing struggle with the flesh - the Romans 7:13-25 wrestling. I want to believe! Lord, help my unbelief. Before Uganda, I never understood that the way I do now.

Well, that's all I've got for today, folks. Thanks for reading & caring!

This song came to mind early in the writing of this post. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how the Lord is doing these things in my own life, but I'm thankful for the examples in Scripture and peoples' testimonies of how He has worked and is working it in others' lives.

Written July 21, 2021

The Ongoing Story: Processing Grief ~ April 2021

It's still pretty early in the month ... the 6th of April as I begin to write this post. But I still already know what the theme will be for this month's entry.

I've been learning that it usually takes me a long time to process grief. 

When I was around seven, my mom had a miscarriage and our family lost what the doctor said was probably a little girl. For months after, I told myself I would only think about that loss on Sunday nights, when we were allowed to drink soda, because if I cried I could blame it on the carbonation.

All three of my grandparents came to my high school graduation May 2009. But that was one of the last healthy/normal things that my Grandma Goff, who my middle name comes from, was able to do on earth. Her cancer had come back, and even though she sought treatment, after a short decline she passed away in July 2009. If my memory serves me well, I didn't shed a tear about her death until I was a senior in college, four years later.

In February 2018, as I was in the midst of my mental health struggles in Uganda, a woman who I had been close to died from a car accident in a different part of Uganda. Because of the circumstances--both my own and the family's--I didn't go to the funeral. It was October or November of that year before I really grieved and processed that loss.

The same pattern has held true for processing the grief of my departure from Uganda. This year, as the anniversary of my leaving there rolled around, I realized that I had spent three years trying to "deal" with the feelings of sadness by suppressing them. Which, unfortunately, doesn't do very well in terms of long-range emotional health!

So this year, I've been proactively trying to recognize and work through some of those feelings ... naming all the animals, as one author called it. I feel like I've got a long ways to go ... but I'm grateful to God for several things:

1. I'm in a better place emotionally, where I'm more able to handle all those uncomfortable feels. At the year one anniversary, I was still saddened that I hadn't been able to join Servant Teams in Africa, I think. At the year two anniversary, I was so busy with work (launching a new website will do that to you!) and adjusting to the reality of COVID-19 stay-at-home that I didn't think about it as much. But this year I'm working on doing better.
2. I'm surrounded by amazing people!!! Christar is becoming my new work-family, and while some may say that's not healthy; I believe it is because there we are all siblings in Christ. One lady at work has agreed to be a mentor figure for me, and she's willing to ask hard questions and push me towards growth rather than stagnation. Another lady is an amazing prayer warrior and has graciously shared her time with me on three different occasions in the past couple weeks as I've needed to process the emotions of leaving Uganda. Outside of work, I have ladies who are faithful pray-ers for me. And yesterday evening, when I left work feeling emotionally fragile for no particular reason, I felt free to call a sweet friend from church and invite myself over for dinner at her family's place. It was much, MUCH better for me than coming home to an empty house.
3. My counselor is spectacular (I see her later today ...... maybe that's why I can't sleep!). She is so empathetic and encouraging ... and, while I need to be more proactive about taking notes during and/or journaling after so that I remember the things we talk about, I am grateful for her wise and biblically sound advice!
4. As I mentioned in another post, I was able to see Geoff & Mary again, nearly three years after I bid farewell to them at the airport in Entebbe. I'm so grateful to them for taking a couple hours out of a packed day to come share rice and beans with me at my Christar office. It was wonderful to catch up and to get big hugs from both of them.
5. I'M GOING BACK TO UGANDA IN AUGUST FOR A VISIT!!!!! Lord willing, of course, but planning for that trip after having bought my plane tickets is a sweet encouragement in this season of missing those people and that place.

This chapter doesn't have a ton of structure, it's just processing where I am right now and right here. Maybe I'll add more to this one later, after seeing my counselor today and as the month progresses. But the song choice is informed by four songs I heard on the radio driving up to see my local "sister" on Saturday, the day of the anniversary.

Written April 6, 2021

The Ongoing Story: Insomnia ~ March 2021

As I begin to write this, it's 4:45 a.m. on March 7, 2021 (a Sunday morning). I slept 6 hours before I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and I haven't succeeded in falling back asleep. But I am super thankful!! Why? Because Fri night-Sat morning I only slept TWO hours, with lots of hours of wakefulness around those two hours.

I should really know better by now.

Friday afternoon I was catching up with a friend from Uganda here in Siloam Springs, AR--we went to one of the local coffee shops in town at about 2:30 pm, and both ordered hot cocoas because it was rainy & coldish. I took one sip of my hot chocolate and was like "they put coffee in this!!?"

What I SHOULD have done was gone back in and asked for a new hot cocoa. But because I don't like causing problems, I instead drank it, coffee and all, knowing it would probably give me trouble sleeping. Foolish child that I am ;)

And, sure enough - even though I took a sleeping pill when I got back to the place where I was staying around 10:30 pm, I could NOT fall asleep for a long time. I called my insomnia buddy, a night owl who is actually the reason I came to visit Siloam this weekend (I surprised her for her birthday :) ), and we talked for a while.

I tell you this whole story because this is now part of my life at times. Has been for three years now. Usually, from what I have observed, it is a combination of irresponsible caffeine intake and circumstances that make me want to mull over and think about them. I had both this time around!

I'm learning not to be afraid of a couple nights of insomnia. Sure, it makes it a little harder to function the following day or two, but it's more of an inconvenience now than a make-it-or-break-it issue to my wellbeing. And I'm thankful to God that I've learned tools on how to cope with insomnia.

This is a little out of character for me/this blog, but here's some practical tips about how I handle things when I can't sleep well. NOTE: I am not a doctor of any sort, so this is just what I've learned over the past three years - not a professional medical opinion!!!!

1. Have a routine. I definitely have an evening/bedtime routine. That doesn't happen the same time every night, but it helps me know it's time to sleep.

2. Know your temperature. I love love love sleeping under the covers, which means in the summer or on warmer spring/fall nights, I turn my ceiling fan on so that I can still comfortably do so.

3. Have positive triggers. I know that if I don't fall asleep in 15-20 minutes that I need to a) take my prescription sleeping medication that I keep on hand for 'as needed' and b) turn on my special cassette tape. {Yes, I still have a cassette tape and player. Kindly don't judge me for that!!} I've had this tape ever since I was in elementary school, I think. It's soothing, calm music that helps trigger the "go to sleep" part of my brain. I think it also gives my brain something to think about or at least follow along with other than whatever thoughts are swirling in my brain. It's about 35-40 minutes a side, I think. And yes, I have bought the CD of the same music, I've just never ripped it. I should really do that and put it on my phone for when I am traveling!!!

4. Keep a backup plan. For me, if the tape ends before I fall asleep, it's usually time to get up and do something. This is important!! When I suddenly had drastic insomnia in Uganda three years ago, I didn't know about this. I lay in bed all night, tossing and turning and never got up and redirected my mental energy. Now I know that writing in my journal, or blogging on here, sometimes helps to settle my thoughts.

5. Talk to friends. This one could be controversial, because of the light from the phone/computer factor. I've read articles that those light sources are bad for your sleep hygiene. But usually, if I've done all the above things, it's somewhat of a lost cause anyway ... so then it's a matter of coping with the lonely night hours. I'm thankful for my fellow insomniac/night owl friends with whom I can talk on the phone or chat with on Facebook. I'm also super grateful for WhatsApp and my international friends who are sometimes awake and available when I should be sleeping!!

6. Keep trying. In between all these things to fill the time, try sleeping again. But don't lay there for more than half an hour - if you're not falling asleep, get up and try something else.

7. Give yourself grace. Lots of grace. If you work with what you've got, try all the right things, and still don't sleep? So be it. Another important thing for me has been having groups of friends who I can ask to pray for me. I did that on Saturday, after a mostly sleeplessness night, when I was scheduled to see seven different people during the day. I texted three of my group chats, asking them to pray for grace & strength. They did, and God answered!!! I thoroughly enjoyed my day, even though I was exhausted by the end of it.

And now that I've had some time writing, it's time to close the laptop and try to sleep again. We shall see if it works!! :)

Written March 7, 2021