The Ongoing Story: Decisions ~ Aug. 2022

 Wow, it's been almost four months since I wrote on here!!

Praise God, they have been four pretty level-headed months. I've been sleeping well for the most part, especially during a two-week vacation in Northern Ireland.

While I was away, there was a situation that arose at Christar which has sucked up a LOT of time and energy from the team I work on, zapping my boss and my editor. Since I got back, I've just been on the outskirts of it, not working serious overtime like they are.

But right before I left, another (smaller) situation reared its head - and I've been smack dab in the middle of that one since I started work again 2.5 weeks ago. It's a long story - but basically I made what my mom and one of my mentors view as an honest mistake that made one of Christar's project managers unhappy with me. (As my mom says, "expectations will getcha every time.")

Yesterday I finally sat down and wrote a draft of the apology that my boss strongly urged me to send. 

But you know what? In this situation I am thankful. Because, back in November, I let something even smaller put me in the hospital for five days. But this time, I very consciously made a decision early on that I was not going to let this affect me that deeply. Yes, I am disappointed with myself, frustrated with the miscommunication, and not quite looking forward to sending the apology. BUT GOD - He's enabling me to remain pretty emotionally even-keeled about it.

When it rains it pours ... there is yet another personal event which has caused me some consternation and sadness. But I am trying to grieve it responsibly and work through it proactively. It will probably be a long process though. As with the previous situation, I have decided that I won't let this take me deep into despondence. My housemate even remarked on how well she saw that I was handling it on the emotional side. So that was encouraging :)

The reason I navigated to drafting this blog, though, was because of the song I heard on the radio this morning. I feel like it could be a theme song for anyone else dealing with mental illness, particularly depression or bipolar disorder. 

I'm not brave, but I don't have to be .... the things that I'm afraid of are afraid of GOD!

Written Aug. 20, 2022

The Ongoing Story: Stepping Forward ~ April 2022 pt. 3

 Whew, what a week it has been ... I am not even sure where to start.

But then again, I do: Praising God for His abundant goodness, faithfulness, grace & mercy!!!

So, I'm going to change things up a bit and put this post's song early:

This song really touched my heart when it played on Pandora as I was endeavoring to work yesterday. I love Andrew Peterson's "Is He Worthy?" and so I'm not surprised that this song hit a bulls eye in my heart too.

So ... now where from here?

The short story is that I had what I believe was a bipolar insomnia/hypomania episode, beginning Saturday afternoon the 23rd and potentially continuing into the present.

I am so incredibly thankful to my psychiatrist who is very available and was able to get me in for an appointment on Tuesday morning. I'm also SOOOOO grateful to my parents who let me move back into their home for a few days so that I would be in a safe place around people who love me :) {Not that my housemate doesn't love me - she does! But she has her own life to live and isn't always home.} Both of those pieces meant that I did not have to go into the psychiatric ward, which is a huge praise for many reasons! 

My biblical counselor also made room in her day for a rather spur of the moment, hour-long session, which was a blessing to me. It was a mixed session, I told her both that I hate talking to her and that I know talking to her is good for me. To be honest, I'm not sure that she sees bipolar disorder as a mental illness. I want to talk with her more about that when I am "sober" (more level-headed). I've really appreciated the time and accommodation that she has given me over the past year and a half or so, though!

So, right now I'm on double doses of three of my medications. The psych made it sound like that is hopefully temporary. I see him again on Tuesday.

Please pray for me and my team at work. As one of my coworkers pointed out to me yesterday, a lot of us are getting hit with things of varying severity. He thinks it could be spiritual warfare because of our very busy schedule right now, producing our "Annual Snapshot" magazine and preparing to do a total rebrand of ALLLLL our materials.

Between Monday and Thursday, I only worked 2-3 hours, because I was very sleep deprived/groggy/not thinking straight. So my poor boss (who is the best boss in the world!!) had to juggle everything I usually do in addition to her own things and managing everyone else :( I feel so bad about that, but I believe it's just what needed to happen. Yesterday I was able to work about 4 hours, so that was encouraging. I plan to work as much as I can next week, probably from home to begin with but maybe from the office.

Anyway, that kind of updates y'all on what's been going on with me, without getting into alllllll the details. If you have questions because you care about my wellbeing, feel free to reach out to me privately :)

Written April 30, 2022

The Ongoing Story: Stepping Forward ~ April 2022 pt. 2

 

Thinking about what this poster says is almost giving me chills - because, I think .... 4.25 years after my mental breakdown .... I'm finally able to begin seeing this as practically true in my life.

I am no longer the relatively naive 20-something who freaked out when she quit sleeping and was slapped with sudden-onset, severe depression. I'm now a 30-something who is learning {albeit slowly} to maintain a steady course of forward progress in the midst of emotional/mental/spiritual/social/etc. ups and downs. I'm continuing to build a toolkit of coping skills and safe people that I can turn loose in my life when it seems overwhelming.

And through every step of that journey, God has been faithful. So, so, so, so, so immeasurably faithful. His presence in my life hasn't always looked like I wished {in the moment} that it would ...... sometimes QUITE the contrary--so much so that it felt like an absence. BUT GOD. He HAS been present and faithful every moment and every day. So yes, this song at the end of this post is a repeat - but it's what was playing as I turned this post from a simple Facebook share into a full-fledged blogpost and typed this paragraph, and it FITS.

{cue break in writing where Esther binge-listens to this song on repeat multiple times and decides to read the lyrics as a prayer of praise & thanksgiving, (and yes, confession ....) at her small group from church tomorrow night}

I have so many thoughts right now, I'm not sure where this post goes next. The cynic in me wants to say "It's all just the hypomania talking!!!" And yes, I do think that is partially true. But let's rewind to that paragraph where I was talking about God's faithfulness. Because that's not where this post was initially headed. I got there, praise Paraclete, but I was just going to talk about my side of the equation.

Upon more mature reflection, I think I need to let the rest of my thoughts simmer and not write/post them in the heat of the muse/moment. So I'm going to end this here for now. :)

Written April 23, 2022

The Ongoing Story: Stepping Forward ~ April 2022

I'm taking a step of faith and writing this blog post at the beginning of the month. 

I don't know yet what most of April 2022 holds for me. But I have hope in God that it will hold His purposes and plans for my life, and that whatever those may be, He will weave it into *good* in my life.

April 3rd is the fourth anniversary of my departure from Uganda. But this year, I haven't been boxed in and defined by the anniversaries and failures of that 2018 season that I felt defined me for those first three years, including when I first started writing this blog. Now, at last, I've been back in the States for almost as long as I spent away from the States in Uganda.

God has most certainly been at work in my mind, heart and life over the past four years, and I am so very grateful to Him for all that He's done in and through me. That is NOT to say that I am perfected. Not in the least! Just on Friday I had to have a good-but-tough conversation with my boss because of something I had fallen short in at work. That will be an ongoing struggle over the coming weeks. But I'm learning to use the tools at my disposal to fight each battle a little better than the one before. And in that, I see progress!

If you can't tell from the title and what I have said so far, this post is about moving forward in life! No longer being constrained by my past failures, but being strengthened and renewed by Him who IS my life, to continue working out my own salvation with fear and trembling; as it is HE who works in me both to will and to do for His good pleasure (Phil. 2:12-13, paraphrased).

God's been building up to this point in my life for a while - and now I'm endeavoring to continue following His lead by taking a giant step of faith. I have been SO incredibly blessed to have a tight-knit community of people supporting me. But not everyone has that. A couple weeks ago, God impressed upon me the idea of beginning an online support group for Christians who have bipolar disorder.

Lord willing, I plan to launch this membership-based website in August of this year. Until then, I'm learning about running such a business and soon will begin creating/curating content to populate the site! 

So I'm passively moving beyond my past as the time flows on and God works, and I am also endeavoring to actively move into the next phase of my future! Five years ago, God only knew what was coming. And now, once again, only He knows what comes next. But no matter what comes, I'm learning more and more of His goodness and faithfulness!!!!

Written April 2, 2022

The Ongoing Story: A Lament ~ March 2022

This is going to be a different kind of an entry.

When I flew to Colorado to see some friends at the beginning of February, on the plane rides back and forth I read the entirety of The Scars That Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering. I'd had it in my Kindle library for a long time, so I don't recall where/how I found out about it.

It was a very helpful memoir of a woman who has been through a lot humanly speaking in her life, but has chosen to cling to God through it all. But this highlighted passage in chapter 7 really made me stop and think:

It was at that point that I decided March's post here in my story would be a lament. And yesterday as I was walking to my church thinking about a couple things, I was literally stopped in my tracks by a realization about what specifically I needed to lament the most. 

As I write this post, the fourth anniversary of my decision to resign from New Hope Uganda was earlier this week. In glancing back at that post I wrote a year ago today, it's amazing the difference in my outlook and perspective!! But we'll get to that :)

So here goes a different sort of post: a lament. {There are certainly some lines of paraphrased Scripture included, I'm just choosing not to clutter this with citations.}

He Is There

Where were You, oh Lord,

When sleep escaped my eyes

When I felt lost in a desert of doubt

When the enemy berated me?

Where were You?

"Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,"

I commanded my soul,

and yet the darkness persisted.

And then ...

It all comes to an end.

My home.

My adult life.

My ministry.

My identity.

In two weeks I was gone,

Leaving the people and place and work that I loved so deeply.

The sorrow didn't end there.

For nine months it frequently engulfed me.

For a year and a half I drifted here and there,

failing to put down true roots.

I questioned my ability to ever hold a steady job again.

BUT GOD.

Lord, You did NOT abandon me in my distress;

You are near to the brokenhearted.

And even when I couldn't see Your hand,

Now I can see the slow unfolding of Your patient and gentle work.

But in those months,

Yes - even in those first 3.5 years.

Oh Lord, I confess ...

That I was hurting deep inside,

That I clung to that hurt as something I deserved.

That so very often I was angry;

Angry at Your plan,

Angry at You.

Forgive, oh Lord!

I pray that You will not judge my life by that season,

As I so often do myself.

Bitterness, regret ...

These were my near-constant companions.

BUT GOD.

In Your mercy,

In Your grace;

In Your perfect timing,

You began to bring me out

of the miry clay,

To set my feet again on the rock.

Yes, I still slip off,

Yet You patiently reach out Your arm again,

And Your Spirit within me reaches

Grasping at Your strong and mighty arm.

I praise You, Oh Lord my God.

Praise be to the God of gods!

You redeem the years that Your locusts had eaten;

You bring beauty to the broken.

I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

All Your works are marvelous,

and that my soul knows full well.

I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for God;

Be strong and let my heart take courage;

And wait for the Lord.

Open my eyes in faith,

Oh Father, I pray.

Teach me to humbly surrender,

To lean into you when I don't understand.

You work all things together for good,

to those whom You have called

and who love You.

Rejoice in God, oh my soul!

Written March 24, 2022

P.S. After I wrote this, one of our prayer time leaders at work focused a Worship session on the idea of Lament. He included a couple songs that I found really meaningful as well - so this shall be a four-song post!

The Ongoing Story: The Struggle is Oh-So Real ~ Feb. 2022

It's been a hard few weeks since I wrote the previous entry.

I hadn't realized how hard until I finally started sharing what I was facing with some trusted safe people, including my friend from the previous post.

It started just a few days after I wrote last, on January 25th. That day, I did a devotional/spiritual object lesson for my Christar work-family about The Treasure in Earthen Vessels. I cared very much about getting the process as "right" as I could. And, it turned out amazingly well, even if I did accidentally give myself a couple small cuts and bleed over pieces of the mug.

That very afternoon, the enemy struck in, as certain thoughts "exploded" into my mind that I don't think I had really dealt with for a couple of months. Ashamed to be dealing with this yet again, I kept quiet about them. Tried to brush them away/ignore them in my own strength.

But over the next three weeks or so, they became more and more insistent - especially when I'd be dealing with certain aspects of my work and particular emotions tied to that.

Before Feb. 15, I only admitted this fresh struggle to my house "sister". But the evening of the 15th, I also confided in my close & long-time friend. She asked more questions and gave more feedback, but seemed to take it pretty even-keeled. Then Friday afternoon she messaged me and asked if we could talk soon. Due to various factors, the soonest we were able to do that was on the phone during the lunch break of Life Surge the next day.

Again, my dear friend took what I shared with her more seriously than I had been taking it myself. Which has turned out to be a good thing, for sure. When she talked to me that Saturday, she asked me to talk to the professionals who are making this journey with me--my counselor and my psychiatrist. Thankfully I already had an appointment set with my counselor for Monday, so I promised to bring this recurrence up with her then.

Which I did--and she, too, took it seriously.

I think I've become so accustomed to these pesky, unhealthy thoughts that I count them as part of my "normal" life with bipolar disorder. But my Biblical counselor advocated strongly that I needed to both call my doctor and be more intentional about fighting these thoughts with the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Eph. 6:17).

I also shared the recent struggles with two mentor figures in my life, both who have been sources of invaluable prayer and meaningful advice.

And I called my psych's nurse. Even though part of me was concerned that she and the doctor may urge me back toward the hospital ... at a time when I don't have space for that--on the calendar or in my budget. But thankfully when she called back, it was just with instructions to pick up a new prescription of my mood stabilizer with an increased dose.

But I'm not trusting in the medication as my sole crutch for this time. I've been praying more, reading/meditating on verses recommended by my counselor, and making a gratitude list instead of focusing on "woe is me!" And I praise God that by His faithfulness, He is working in my heart and showing fruit through those things.

I would thoroughly appreciate your prayers for me in these regards. Life, unfortunately, probably isn't going to become a bed of roses. I need to grow in my reliance on GOD, putting my confidence in HIM and not in myself. As my pastor told me a couple years back, "The way you get unassailable faith is by having your faith assailed!"

These two songs are special to me, and both have to do with this post. The first I initially heard and fell in love with back during my time in Portland (probably Sept. 2018), and it has become part of the music I play with my Kintsugi demonstration. I think I heard the Getty song for the first time the Sunday after sharing the Kintsugi demonstration. I had come home from my parents' to an empty house, and suddenly found myself confronted with struggles. Maybe some other time I will write more about what this second song meant to me in those moments as I listened to it on repeat with tears in my eyes.

Written Feb. 25, 2022

The Ongoing Story: Continued Stagnation ~ Jan. 2022

 It's mid-evening as I open up my computer to write this. I'm sitting in all the glow and ambiance of my living room surrounded with several burning candles (one with a wood wick crackles away like a whole fireplace!). (And yes, I do have a fire extinguisher - just in case!)

I don't particularly want to write this post. It is raw, it is fresh, even if the title is "Stagnation." It is in the spirit of the post I wrote about July 2021.

Today I admitted to my best friend from high school that as far as daily relationship goes, I've been broken up with God for a while.

When I wrote last July, I had only told my mentor lady at work about the question that plagued me that afternoon. As I write this, I've finally told someone else - my friend. I think I have talked to my counselor about it. And once this is published, I'll have "told" all of you too.

I sit here, staring at my computer screen, wondering how to write or where to start.

Virtually no positive spiritual progress has been made since July.

Sure, in the hospital in November I led a little discussion about a couple Bible verses.

But that's one of the things about mania in my life for the past four years:
        It's the times when I am experiencing or verging on mania that I feel attuned to God.

Any other time now, when I'm "normal," it feels like an unwelcome duty.

I don't particularly like it this way. 

But it is what it is, because that's exactly the way I want it to be.*
(ie, if I really didn't want it that way, I would change it, right????)

While walking with my friend this afternoon, she asked me (as she always does when we get together) how she could pray for me.

So I asked her to pray that I would stop being a hypocrite - and told her the same indicators of hypocrisy that I put in my July post.

And she took it ... well, she took it really seriously, as it is a serious issue. I've just flippantly been letting the days/weeks/months pass without taking it seriously.

I'm so eager to get to heaven, but I don't want to talk to the God in whose presence I would be there.
Yep, sounds like a problem to me!

This post has been on my mind for almost a week now, starting last Sunday afternoon at my parents' house. I can't remember now what song I was singing under my breath, but it was the perfect song to go with a post like this (so annoying that it's totally gone from my memory!!).

I've been so comfortable in my spiritual apathy lately that I haven't considered the damaging and possibly dire ramifications to the health of my soul and spirit. My friend's comments/feedback/exhortation were trying to wake me up to that. And I was listening.

That's why I say the contents of a post about "Continued Stagnation" are raw & fresh. I'm writing this blog post now to capture some of these feelings, to try and process them out and internalize her concern for me. Because she is concerned. And to be honest, I'm grateful for that. Because it is an opportunity to be awakened out of the drunken stupor I've been living in for far too long.

By masquerading as a continued "good Christian," I've hidden my struggle. And while I'm not blatantly sinning, I actually am by not actively following God as He calls believers to do.

Again, I'm not sure where this post goes from here, I have no beautiful bow to tie it up with. I just have a song. No, not the song I was thinking of last week .... but one that I heard on the radio station in my car for the first time today. I don't share it because I am where it describes, but because there's still something in me that wants to get there/back to that.

And just for kicks, guess when it was released?
June or July of this year .....

Written Jan. 22, 2022

*Credit to my boss' professional coach, Lee, and the organization she works at, for this concept/idea.