The Ongoing Story: What if I Walked Away? ~ July 2021

 Earlier this month [July 2021] I was very tempted to abandon everything I believe and just walk away from it all.

There was no new major crisis, just the old tiredness about the guilty feelings of hypocrisy that I try to hide from most.

The last three+ years of not understanding, of frustration and anger, of feeling cheated, have naturally been taking their toll.

• I pray out loud when it's expected of me, but never in depth when I'm alone.
• My devotional life the past year and a half has been almost nonexistent.
• I attend church, but to be honest the pandemic broke my habit of note-taking and I hadn't picked it back up, leading to dozing in sermons.
• I couldn't tell you the last time I prayer journaled - just that it's been months, not weeks.

What exactly brought on the temptation? The only two definite answers I have are 1) hormones and 2) the women's Bible study I'm doing in Jude. Hormones are semi-valid - but the weakness of "the week before" mood swing doesn't create problems ... it only reveals them more clearly. The Jude study has at times left me feeling like/wondering if I am one of those "certain people" - false teachers who blend in so well but are really rebellious hypocrites.

I literally took a lunch break at work during which I just stared at my empty computer screen, thinking about what life would look like if I walked away from my Christian faith.

I'm not proud of that half hour, nor am I happy to admit this struggle.

BUT GOD.

God, who works ALL things out for good for those who love Him and whom He has called (Rom. 8:28), is working even through this.

In that half hour, there was primarily one thing that kept me committed to this journey of salvation. A very logistical thing, but a primary concern nonetheless: I work for a Christian organization. So, I walk away from my faith, I walk away from my job. And I LOVE my coworkers and my job!!!

A wise coworker has been meeting with me once or twice a month for the past year in a mentoring role. As of now (writing this), she's the only one who knows of that day's struggle. But she is excellent at asking poignant questions to help me think through things--and praise God I'm willing to be gut-level honest with her.

So we talked it through a week after it happened. And she helped me more rationally consider the supposed "gains" of walking away. Most of them were self-centered, or straight up lies I was believing. For example, "I could allow myself to feel bitterness and resentment without feeling guilty about it."

I'm not sure where this post goes from here. I haven't rejected it all, thank God. He's keeping me, and I trust in His faithfulness a whole lot more than my own. Unfortunately, I don't think I can say that right now I'm 100% committed to what I intellectually know is the Truth - but I'm also not actively considering walking away. To be honest I'm still hurting, three and a half years later. I wish I could move past it, get back to who I used to be before January 2018, and grow upwards/deeper from there - but sometimes that feels unattainable. Will I ever win back that spiritual ground?

I also don't know why I'm writing this tonight, when I don't have all the answers in shining clarity. But I couldn't sleep, and I already called my insomnia buddy; and so I write.

If I've learned anything over these past years, it's the reality of the ongoing struggle with the flesh - the Romans 7:13-25 wrestling. I want to believe! Lord, help my unbelief. Before Uganda, I never understood that the way I do now.

Well, that's all I've got for today, folks. Thanks for reading & caring!

This song came to mind early in the writing of this post. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how the Lord is doing these things in my own life, but I'm thankful for the examples in Scripture and peoples' testimonies of how He has worked and is working it in others' lives.

Written July 21, 2021

The Ongoing Story: Processing Grief ~ April 2021

It's still pretty early in the month ... the 6th of April as I begin to write this post. But I still already know what the theme will be for this month's entry.

I've been learning that it usually takes me a long time to process grief. 

When I was around seven, my mom had a miscarriage and our family lost what the doctor said was probably a little girl. For months after, I told myself I would only think about that loss on Sunday nights, when we were allowed to drink soda, because if I cried I could blame it on the carbonation.

All three of my grandparents came to my high school graduation May 2009. But that was one of the last healthy/normal things that my Grandma Goff, who my middle name comes from, was able to do on earth. Her cancer had come back, and even though she sought treatment, after a short decline she passed away in July 2009. If my memory serves me well, I didn't shed a tear about her death until I was a senior in college, four years later.

In February 2018, as I was in the midst of my mental health struggles in Uganda, a woman who I had been close to died from a car accident in a different part of Uganda. Because of the circumstances--both my own and the family's--I didn't go to the funeral. It was October or November of that year before I really grieved and processed that loss.

The same pattern has held true for processing the grief of my departure from Uganda. This year, as the anniversary of my leaving there rolled around, I realized that I had spent three years trying to "deal" with the feelings of sadness by suppressing them. Which, unfortunately, doesn't do very well in terms of long-range emotional health!

So this year, I've been proactively trying to recognize and work through some of those feelings ... naming all the animals, as one author called it. I feel like I've got a long ways to go ... but I'm grateful to God for several things:

1. I'm in a better place emotionally, where I'm more able to handle all those uncomfortable feels. At the year one anniversary, I was still saddened that I hadn't been able to join Servant Teams in Africa, I think. At the year two anniversary, I was so busy with work (launching a new website will do that to you!) and adjusting to the reality of COVID-19 stay-at-home that I didn't think about it as much. But this year I'm working on doing better.
2. I'm surrounded by amazing people!!! Christar is becoming my new work-family, and while some may say that's not healthy; I believe it is because there we are all siblings in Christ. One lady at work has agreed to be a mentor figure for me, and she's willing to ask hard questions and push me towards growth rather than stagnation. Another lady is an amazing prayer warrior and has graciously shared her time with me on three different occasions in the past couple weeks as I've needed to process the emotions of leaving Uganda. Outside of work, I have ladies who are faithful pray-ers for me. And yesterday evening, when I left work feeling emotionally fragile for no particular reason, I felt free to call a sweet friend from church and invite myself over for dinner at her family's place. It was much, MUCH better for me than coming home to an empty house.
3. My counselor is spectacular (I see her later today ...... maybe that's why I can't sleep!). She is so empathetic and encouraging ... and, while I need to be more proactive about taking notes during and/or journaling after so that I remember the things we talk about, I am grateful for her wise and biblically sound advice!
4. As I mentioned in another post, I was able to see Geoff & Mary again, nearly three years after I bid farewell to them at the airport in Entebbe. I'm so grateful to them for taking a couple hours out of a packed day to come share rice and beans with me at my Christar office. It was wonderful to catch up and to get big hugs from both of them.
5. I'M GOING BACK TO UGANDA IN AUGUST FOR A VISIT!!!!! Lord willing, of course, but planning for that trip after having bought my plane tickets is a sweet encouragement in this season of missing those people and that place.

This chapter doesn't have a ton of structure, it's just processing where I am right now and right here. Maybe I'll add more to this one later, after seeing my counselor today and as the month progresses. But the song choice is informed by four songs I heard on the radio driving up to see my local "sister" on Saturday, the day of the anniversary.

Written April 6, 2021

The Ongoing Story: Insomnia ~ March 2021

As I begin to write this, it's 4:45 a.m. on March 7, 2021 (a Sunday morning). I slept 6 hours before I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and I haven't succeeded in falling back asleep. But I am super thankful!! Why? Because Fri night-Sat morning I only slept TWO hours, with lots of hours of wakefulness around those two hours.

I should really know better by now.

Friday afternoon I was catching up with a friend from Uganda here in Siloam Springs, AR--we went to one of the local coffee shops in town at about 2:30 pm, and both ordered hot cocoas because it was rainy & coldish. I took one sip of my hot chocolate and was like "they put coffee in this!!?"

What I SHOULD have done was gone back in and asked for a new hot cocoa. But because I don't like causing problems, I instead drank it, coffee and all, knowing it would probably give me trouble sleeping. Foolish child that I am ;)

And, sure enough - even though I took a sleeping pill when I got back to the place where I was staying around 10:30 pm, I could NOT fall asleep for a long time. I called my insomnia buddy, a night owl who is actually the reason I came to visit Siloam this weekend (I surprised her for her birthday :) ), and we talked for a while.

I tell you this whole story because this is now part of my life at times. Has been for three years now. Usually, from what I have observed, it is a combination of irresponsible caffeine intake and circumstances that make me want to mull over and think about them. I had both this time around!

I'm learning not to be afraid of a couple nights of insomnia. Sure, it makes it a little harder to function the following day or two, but it's more of an inconvenience now than a make-it-or-break-it issue to my wellbeing. And I'm thankful to God that I've learned tools on how to cope with insomnia.

This is a little out of character for me/this blog, but here's some practical tips about how I handle things when I can't sleep well. NOTE: I am not a doctor of any sort, so this is just what I've learned over the past three years - not a professional medical opinion!!!!

1. Have a routine. I definitely have an evening/bedtime routine. That doesn't happen the same time every night, but it helps me know it's time to sleep.

2. Know your temperature. I love love love sleeping under the covers, which means in the summer or on warmer spring/fall nights, I turn my ceiling fan on so that I can still comfortably do so.

3. Have positive triggers. I know that if I don't fall asleep in 15-20 minutes that I need to a) take my prescription sleeping medication that I keep on hand for 'as needed' and b) turn on my special cassette tape. {Yes, I still have a cassette tape and player. Kindly don't judge me for that!!} I've had this tape ever since I was in elementary school, I think. It's soothing, calm music that helps trigger the "go to sleep" part of my brain. I think it also gives my brain something to think about or at least follow along with other than whatever thoughts are swirling in my brain. It's about 35-40 minutes a side, I think. And yes, I have bought the CD of the same music, I've just never ripped it. I should really do that and put it on my phone for when I am traveling!!!

4. Keep a backup plan. For me, if the tape ends before I fall asleep, it's usually time to get up and do something. This is important!! When I suddenly had drastic insomnia in Uganda three years ago, I didn't know about this. I lay in bed all night, tossing and turning and never got up and redirected my mental energy. Now I know that writing in my journal, or blogging on here, sometimes helps to settle my thoughts.

5. Talk to friends. This one could be controversial, because of the light from the phone/computer factor. I've read articles that those light sources are bad for your sleep hygiene. But usually, if I've done all the above things, it's somewhat of a lost cause anyway ... so then it's a matter of coping with the lonely night hours. I'm thankful for my fellow insomniac/night owl friends with whom I can talk on the phone or chat with on Facebook. I'm also super grateful for WhatsApp and my international friends who are sometimes awake and available when I should be sleeping!!

6. Keep trying. In between all these things to fill the time, try sleeping again. But don't lay there for more than half an hour - if you're not falling asleep, get up and try something else.

7. Give yourself grace. Lots of grace. If you work with what you've got, try all the right things, and still don't sleep? So be it. Another important thing for me has been having groups of friends who I can ask to pray for me. I did that on Saturday, after a mostly sleeplessness night, when I was scheduled to see seven different people during the day. I texted three of my group chats, asking them to pray for grace & strength. They did, and God answered!!! I thoroughly enjoyed my day, even though I was exhausted by the end of it.

And now that I've had some time writing, it's time to close the laptop and try to sleep again. We shall see if it works!! :)

Written March 7, 2021

The Ongoing Story: I don't have it all together ~ Jan. 2021

I didn't take my medicine for three, maybe four days at the beginning of 2021.

It was pure laziness. I had picked up my prescription a couple days before running out of my current stock, but it was in my car. And I only ever thought of getting it when I would normally take the medication, right before going to bed. Yeah, like I said--pure laziness. But I felt like I could let it slip for a few days.

Well, on Jan. 4 I went back to work in the office for the first time since Dec. 18. It had been a 'delicious' two weeks off, spent with my whole family (including brother, Nathan, from North Dakota), thanks to my dear boss who had decided to shut down our department for two weeks. With my family, I had gone on walks outside on the beautiful days that a Texas December gave us, celebrated Christmas together, and of course (for our family) played lots of games! While not every moment was perfect, it was a wonderful time together.

Getting back into the swing of things at the office that Jan. 4 was *hard*. I had a difficult time focusing too after coming back from a week mostly away during Thanksgiving, but this was a little different. I didn't even want to write or work on editing any of my stories for my organization's website - very unusual for me. 

I did my basic tasks as project coordinator, making sure that our personnel and schedules were interacting in such a way to complete our monthly publications. But that doesn't take eight hours a day ... I usually need a couple writing projects and a larger-scale department/division project to keep me busy. 

So I sat at my computer and stared at the screen. I would minimize all the windows I had open - to enjoy my camping under the Milky Way desktop background - but then I would keep angrily clicking. Angry because I didn't like myself this way, unwilling to get committed and involved in a writing project I knew I would probably enjoy, if only I could get started.

I would open up a Word document of a story I had previously written with my editor's helpful and encouraging notes on the sideline, and it was just too much - I felt like I couldn't. 

Thoughts would flood my mind that would lead me on rabbit trails, usually not to a great place. I would be at my desk physically shaking my head until my hair also shook, trying to bring myself back from that place.

And the worst part is? I let myself stay that way for days. I think that whole first week back I was acting like this. OK, because I'm a detail-oriented perfectionist, I looked back - and it was actually only three days (on that first Thursday, I enjoyed writing an 1,100-word story!!). But it felt like an eternity.

The silly part is that it took me several days to connect the two - my lack of medication for a few days and my downturn in mood/attitude/work ethic.

Lesson learned: Yes, I do need to be on my medications. And yes, I do need to actually take them faithfully. But, at the same time, my faith should not be in my medications. My faith needs to be in God's faithfulness. ... Yeah, I'll be brutally honest - that's a work in progress sometimes. And, from what I hear others who are further along in their journey say, it always will be.

So this post is my "No, I'm not always fine" post. It's my "Yes, bipolar really does affect my life" post. But it's also my "I'm going to move on and not let that define me" post. It's the "I'm not going to hide my real struggles from the world" post. 

And so on that last note, here's a song that's been on repeat on the Christian radio station I always have on in my car. It seems like, for a couple of weeks, it was playing every single time I drove somewhere!

Written Jan. 20, 2021

The Hard Admission ... Intro

This is the chapter which holds the piece of the story that I've left out of all the other prefaces and chapters.

It's been left out because I don't like to admit to it. I'm pretty open about my whole story of journeying with mental illness and bipolar, but this piece is always the hardest to say.

I'm writing this on a day when the sun has been shining bright, both literally outside and figuratively in my soul.

Part of me wants to keep beating around the bush, talking about things generally and not 'fessing up to the thing as it really is. It will be some time before I actually push the publish button on this post, but I want to write it now, because--unfortunate as it is--this is an intrinsic part of my story with mental illness, at least for the first year.

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To read the rest of this post, please contact me (Esther Carey) for the link. I'm not yet ready to share the rest of what I wrote over a year ago (at the end of Jan. 2021) with the public world. You can email/text/FB message me, or even add a comment to this post ... and I will be in touch.

Summary View C: Settling In ~ Sept. - Dec. 2020

Now that I've finally sat down to write this final "summary view" blog post, I'm trying to put it off. I think that's because after this, there is none of the past to retell and hide behind. The posts that come after this will usually be the raw reflections of a moment, or maybe a couple weeks later. And the very next entry that is in the publication queue is a piece I wrote almost exactly a year ago--among the earliest to be written, but the last of these looking-back pieces to be published.

All that to say, it's with mixed emotions that I begin this piece tonight.

September 2020 kept me plenty busy! First I transitioned to working full-time for Christar, then I succumbed to COVID-19. Praise God for full-time Paid Time Off, I definitely used some significant chunks of it during the time I had to quarantine! But praise God also, even with living alone (my housemate went to stay elsewhere while I was sick) and barely seeing anyone, my mental health didn't suffer.

Of note is the fact that I also started this blog in September 2020 (before getting sick)! I only wrote two posts in 2020 and it would be a full year before I shared the link publicly, but this blog began taking shape then.

Also, something I forgot to mention in my previous entry, is that it was during this time period that I began meeting with Ellen, the Biblical counselor who I have been seeing regularly for almost a year and a half now! We've talked of many things in that time, at first predominantly me processing everything that I've shared in this blog. I value Ellen's input and cherish her sweet & tender heart, yet also her direct and Biblical advice.

October and November found me busy with Christar work - particularly with our very first Giving Catalog!!! Our whole team poured a lot of work into creating something from scratch that first year!

Even as I settled in to working full time, I realized that I would have to uproot and move in the next six months, as my then-housemate would be getting married and she and her husband would be staying in the duplex that she and I had been sharing for six months.

November and December also brought wonderful family time, with Nathan being able to visit for both Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I can't think of any other major life updates from that time! So I'll just leave this year with this song. I think it was actually released this past fall, but I still feel like it fits here:

Written Jan. 29, 2022

Summary View B: The Juggling ~ Sept. 2019 - Aug. 2020

As I mentioned at the end of my previous post, the job at Christar that I was so excited to land was only a part-time position. What I forgot to mention there is that in July I had started working for one of the members at my church who had very unexpectedly gone blind in April. He is an insurance agent, and he needed someone to be his eyes and hands on the computer. So I had started working for him, I think as soon as Baby V's grandma arrived and relieved me of my duties with her.

Mrs. S, my "everything lady,"* also needed someone to grade for both of her World Views of the Western World year two class. That was once a week on Tuesday. So when I started working for Christar on the day after Labor Day, my typical weekly schedule was as follows:

• M/W/F: Christar in the morning, Insurance in the afternoon (and re:generation at Watermark on Mondays)
• Tues.: Mrs. S's classes, morning and afternoon
• Thurs.: Christar all day!

At Christar, my official title was that of "Project Coordinator" - managing the personnel and calendar so that all of our Creative Services department's major projects would get done in time. Thanks to my amazing boss who knew what I loved, I also had the opportunity to write for the Christar blog!!! :D The first stories I did were based on pre-recorded sharing times - but before long I was interviewing our workers (my sources) more like a real journalist!

The insurance work was more challenging, as I had to learn all the new terminology, systems, etc. That boss had a memory like a steel trap, though, so he was a HUGE help in navigating through various things.

To begin with, grading for Mrs. S took the full six hours of the two classes. But eventually, I got it down to a system--and I knew which students I could trust to do well and which ones I had to watch out for! 

It was definitely a lot of juggling, thus the title to this post, but it worked surprisingly well through January and February. It didn't take me too long to realize, however, that the insurance position was not something I wanted to do long-term. And so in December I gave my boss three month's notice. He was scheduled to have a surgery that we were hopeful would restore his sight .... but even when that didn't work, I chose to stick to my word and leave that position.

That was partly because Christar had offered me the opportunity to help full-time on a short-term project: Launching a new website!!! So as soon as the date I had told my insurance boss arrived, I bid farewell to him and turned my full attention on M, W, Th, F to learning Site Stacker, Christar's new website platform.

And then March 2020 arrived. And we all know what that meant! COVID-19 officially reached the U.S., changing life as we knew it.

Like everyone else, I worked from home while Christar was totally shut down, which was about six weeks I believe. I was still living in my parents' home, and I sorely missed my Christar desk & computer while I tried to work from my personal laptop! The World View classes suddenly switched to virtual as well, meaning I could do the grading in the evenings and work on Tuesdays for Christar too. I was also so very thankful that I was no longer working for the insurance guy .... I can't imagine the extra challenges that would have presented themselves there!

On April 1st, Christar's new website launched! In the weeks after that, there were still some cleanup sort of tasks to do with the launch, so I ended up remaining full-time until the middle of July. Also, in May, the World Views class responsibilities ended.

In April or May, I decided I was finally ready to start looking for a new place to live. I'd been living at home for most of two years, and was ready for a little more independence!! Praise God, through a string of connections I found a three-bedroom duplex where a gal was living on her own (well, with her large dog! 😉). We met a couple of times, and decided to move forward with things. So in early June, a couple folks from church and my dad helped me moved all my earthly possessions about 15 minutes away. 

The same weekend that I first met with my new roommate, she was meeting a guy in person for the first time who she had met online. Keep note of that for the next blog post! 😁 But we hit it off pretty well, mostly stayed out of each other's hair, and had frequent nice chats. And I was so grateful to have a little space and a kitchen to call at least partly "my own"!

In July and August, I once again hit the job searching hard - knowing that Christar was back down to part-time work, and that since I was now paying rent I needed continued income! (Though I did have a pretty nice savings pot from all the time of working the equivalent of full-time and not having many expenses!) I know I applied for two, if not three part-time jobs ... but all of them fell through.

Along the way, my Christar boss had made the offer that I could work full-time for her!! And while I loved the idea, I wasn't sure I could make it work financially as it would involve a decrease in my hourly wage. But naturally there were benefits to being a full-time employee of Christar!! So once I was told that I didn't get the last part-time job I applied for, I called my boss on Zoom and let her know. And then I said "But you know what this means? It means I'm all yours!!" She was quite excited!

As it worked out, I started working as an official full-time employee at Christar within days of my first anniversary of beginning work there! I like anniversaries, so that made it fun for me. The juggling multiple jobs routine was officially over!

Written Jan. 25, 2022

*I call Mrs. S that because she was first my high school teacher for a three-year co-op class, after the first year she asked me to do some work for her (becoming my boss), and when I went away to college she became more of a mentor figure/friend who I met with each time I was back in town. I am so very blessed by my relationship with her! :)