Preface B: Intro to Uganda ~ Jan.-May, 2014

 Last night I dreamed about visiting Uganda. I think it's why I can't sleep tonight, because my brain wants to plan a real trip!!

It's a very real desire, that's for sure. For those of you who don't know, Uganda (in East Africa) was my home for four years - both terrific years and stressful years - but GOOD years.

But this preface is going to focus on the first time I went to Uganda. I committed for just five months that first time, but it got me hooked!

(If you're curious how I got to Uganda, I wrote it all out and decided it made this post too long. BUT, I did just publish it on a different blog! Check it out here.)

So, January 1st, 2013 found me boarding an airplane in Dallas to fly halfway around the world to serve as a homeschool teacher to five kiddos, ages 7-15 I think they were then.

Oh my goodness, SOOO many things I could write about that first time in Uganda!!! But I need to stick with where it pertains to this blog.

I hate to overlook all the good and focus on the not-so-good ... but it was the not-so-good that brought up more warning signs.

Simply put, things didn't go so well between me and the family I went to serve. Long story short, I quit my position as their homeschool teacher in March, halfway through my five-month commitment.

Obviously, that was not an easy time for me (especially as a perfectionist and people pleaser!!). There were lots of things I wish I had done differently; and ways I would have liked the family to have chosen different behaviors.

But in the midst of that HARD, before I quit, I started not sleeping well. Plus I had recurrent digestive issues, which didn't help with being able to sleep. What's more, I had weird dreams. At the time, I attributed it all to the anti-malarial medication that I was on--which was, without me knowing it, Larium--THE BAD ONE.

Now, looking back, I can see how the stress of my failure to be able to succeed in my planned role probably triggered some early bipolar disorder symptoms.

So that's all, it's pretty basic here. But it is fitting to put a Luganda song here! This one came out later in my time with NHU - but it's still a good song for this post, I believe.

Written Jan. 29, 2021

Preface A: College Days ~ 2009-13

 As I write this, it's 11 p.m. and I can't sleep.

It makes me think back to college days, and the insomnia that occasionally plagued me. There it was usually waking up early in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep.

That didn't happen very often, but the few times it did made me fear that I might have bipolar disorder.

Yes, I agree that's an odd thing for an early 20s college student to worry about, but I had seen it play out before. And those early mornings when I couldn't sleep, when I would go for a run instead, those were the early warning signs of hypomania.

There were also the times during my senior year when downtimes plagued me. I remember three specific occasions, all in the spring semester, I do believe.*

I think the daunting feeling of what would come after graduation, and the uncertainties of life in the "real world," as well as the thought of leaving the college town that had become a second home over the four years, had a big part to play in those periods of despondency. But those were the early warning signs of depression.

Don't hear me say that my college experience was all bad. Far and away from that - I had a busy but wonderful, full but amazing time at college.

And it was at college that I started the journey of learning of God's grace that He extends to me. Not that I knew nothing of grace before then, that would be an unjust statement. But it was at college that I began experiencing that grace in a more personal and deeper way than ever before.

It was 10 years ago this week, at college, that God started me on that journey of experiencing grace. A few months later, I wrote a whole series of blog posts (beginning here) about the puzzle God was putting together, piece by piece.

To be honest, I miss that journey. 

No, of course I know (at least intellectually) that God hasn't changed at all. But the story this blog is telling is the story of how I have changed over the past five or so years. Of how I've allowed the storms and the desert to lead me into building a cocoon; a protective shell.

...

I'm sitting here letting that sink in, because that last sentence isn't something I had consciously "verbalized" in any form (thought, written, etc.) until just then.

Well that gives me something to talk to my counselor about next time we meet!

And ... that rabbit-trailed my brain. I think that's all this post will be for now. But it needs a song. Here's one of my JBU-era songs, though it looks like it came out the spring of my junior year, so a bit later in that chapter:

*I could write the details of those three days, but I don't feel the need to do so at this point. Maybe some other day.

   Written Jan. 28, 2021

Introduction: My Story ~ Sept. 2020

 Hi, my name is Esther - and I am a blogger gone reticent.

But I want to reopen this communication stream - and to do that most accurately I felt like I needed to start yet another blog (I've had three or four others in the past).

This blog comes about from the journey I've been on for the past two years--well, for the past three years nearly, and really even before that. The story will come in sections ... if I tried to write it all at once it would be SO LONG.

There are pieces of this story that fear, shame, and guilt want to hide and muzzle into silence. But these are pieces of my story now, and I don't want to run from them or try to sweep them under the rug and forget about them. I want to live in freedom and transparency with my God and my community.

Because my story is SO much bigger than any medical diagnosis, weakness, or shortcoming.

My story is HIS story.

My hope and prayer is that God gives me the strength and grace to proclaim His GOOD STORY in every post I write -- even the hardest ones.

I want to speak of His Grace - greater than all my sin.

Of Jesus' kindness, which draws me in.

I want to tell of Him.

May it be so here.