Preface A: College Days ~ 2009-13

 As I write this, it's 11 p.m. and I can't sleep.

It makes me think back to college days, and the insomnia that occasionally plagued me. There it was usually waking up early in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep.

That didn't happen very often, but the few times it did made me fear that I might have bipolar disorder.

Yes, I agree that's an odd thing for an early 20s college student to worry about, but I had seen it play out before. And those early mornings when I couldn't sleep, when I would go for a run instead, those were the early warning signs of hypomania.

There were also the times during my senior year when downtimes plagued me. I remember three specific occasions, all in the spring semester, I do believe.*

I think the daunting feeling of what would come after graduation, and the uncertainties of life in the "real world," as well as the thought of leaving the college town that had become a second home over the four years, had a big part to play in those periods of despondency. But those were the early warning signs of depression.

Don't hear me say that my college experience was all bad. Far and away from that - I had a busy but wonderful, full but amazing time at college.

And it was at college that I started the journey of learning of God's grace that He extends to me. Not that I knew nothing of grace before then, that would be an unjust statement. But it was at college that I began experiencing that grace in a more personal and deeper way than ever before.

It was 10 years ago this week, at college, that God started me on that journey of experiencing grace. A few months later, I wrote a whole series of blog posts (beginning here) about the puzzle God was putting together, piece by piece.

To be honest, I miss that journey. 

No, of course I know (at least intellectually) that God hasn't changed at all. But the story this blog is telling is the story of how I have changed over the past five or so years. Of how I've allowed the storms and the desert to lead me into building a cocoon; a protective shell.

...

I'm sitting here letting that sink in, because that last sentence isn't something I had consciously "verbalized" in any form (thought, written, etc.) until just then.

Well that gives me something to talk to my counselor about next time we meet!

And ... that rabbit-trailed my brain. I think that's all this post will be for now. But it needs a song. Here's one of my JBU-era songs, though it looks like it came out the spring of my junior year, so a bit later in that chapter:

*I could write the details of those three days, but I don't feel the need to do so at this point. Maybe some other day.

   Written Jan. 28, 2021